Friday 20th September 2019 - 01:46:10 

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Maharishi Vatsyayan Has Stated in his Magnum Opus

Sex is a:


Duty: if done with your Wife


Art: if done with your Lover


Education: if done with a Virgin


Business Transaction: if done with a Prostitute


Social Work: if done with a Divorcee


Charity: if done with a Widow


Sacrifice: if done with your own Hand.






Another goodie from jlo





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The Nun in Hooters


A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom"?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf".

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way", said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause !

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom"?

"Well, now they know you're one of us", said the bartender, "Would you like a drink"?

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand", said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out".


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Bad Day For The Undertaker


Roy, an undertaker, came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you" asked his wife"?

"I had a terrible day", replies Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half".

"I see", says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye"?

Roy: "Wrong room".


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Cleaning Poem


For all of you who spend as much time on your computer as I do......



I asked the Lord to tell me

Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'
He told me to get off my fanny,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick....
I was just admiring my good work.
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops - I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.
Nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess....
While I sit here on my hiney.




If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense
at all.


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How Logical is the English Language?


The market garden was designed to produce produce.

The city tip was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

In the boat, a row erupted amongst the oarsmen about how to row.

The nurse wound the crepe bandage around the wound.

Dessie decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Chloe was too close to the door to close it.

When Ted saw the tear in the painting he shed a tear.

How can I intimate my thoughts to my most intimate friend?

Sherrie shed her shoes in the shed.

In terms of weight lead is in the lead.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Why do our noses run but our feet smell?

I did not object to the object.

Freddie filled in his form by filling it out.

Why do performers recite a play, yet play at a recital?


Courtesy of: http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/


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Three Goats Let Loose in School


At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.



Submitted by: Bippichick



.


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The Court Ruling on Viagra Being Made Available Free on the Uk's National Health Service


A court usher in the UK, at a hearing to determine whether Viagra, should be made freely available through the UK's National Health Service, managed to raise smiles and muffled laughter from lawyers and observers by ordering: 'ALL RISE'!


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Absolutely Hilarious Computer Quotes


If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.

unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep - my daily unix command list

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. - Robert Firth

If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise.

The more I C, the less I see.


To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password.

After Perl everything else is just assembly language.

If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough.

Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.


Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are.

COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.

“Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

640K ought to be enough for anybody. - This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it's a classic by Bill Gates in 1981

Microsoft: You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer. - Erik Naggum

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.

SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it.

Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'.

I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

To go forward, you must backup.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code

A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Better to be a geek than an idiot.

Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something.

Geek's favorite pickup line: Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?

Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up.

Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail.

Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.

The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back.

It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

The box said 'Required Windows 95 or better'. So, I installed LINUX.

Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.

once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
'Tis not possible!, i muttered, give me back my free hardcore!
quoth the server, 404.

Mac users swear by their Mac,
PC users swear at their PC.

Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error.

Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everything's going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You'll be forced to patch the code (admit you're wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end.


Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies. - Linus Torvalds

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that confuse it with binary.

If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.

The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot.

Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.


The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.


Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you.


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Broken Leg


"How did it happen" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg?

"Well, doc, 25 years ago"...

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning".

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine".

"Are you sure" she asked?

"I'm sure", I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you" she wanted to know?

"I reckon not", I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg"?

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof"!


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Little Johnny in his Biology Class


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

Little Johnny raises his hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered'.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked little Johnny to describe the incident.

'Well', he began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard'!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said little Johnny. 'My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before he could say "Shit", the Rottweiler ate him'!


The teacher wet her pants laughing.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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