Saturday 14th December 2019 - 17:36:14 

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My Son Did It


Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom"?

"Please don't ask".

"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me".

"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant".

"That's not possible".

"No, he did".

"How"?

"He punctured my condoms"!


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The Boy Who Loved Tractors - Another Groaner


As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.

Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!

You can imagine he was rather fed up with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked to the far window and blew all the smoke out again.

He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down Next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that"?

"No problem", said Joe,




(Wait for it. . . _Scroll down)





(Keep going)





"I'm an extractor fan".


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Flu Update




What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
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For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.
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You Know You're from Canada when .............


* You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

* You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

* Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

* You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

* Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

* You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

* The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

* You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

* You find -40C a little chilly.

* The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

* You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.

* You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.


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Room Service - Tenjewberrymuds


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

To get the full effect it should be read aloud. [You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.]

Room Service (RmSv): Morrin. Roon sirbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.

RmSv: Rye...Roon sirbees...morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?
Guest: Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RmSv: Ow July den?
Guest: What??

RmSv: Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?
Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RmSv: Ow July dee baykem? Crease?
Guest: Crisp will be fine.

RmSv: Hokay. An Sahn toes?
Guest: What?

RmSv: An toes. July Sahn toes?
Guest: I don't think so.

RmSv: No? Judo wan sahn toes??
Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.

RmSv: Toes! toes!... Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?
Guest: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RmSv: We bodder?
Guest: No...just put the bodder on the side.

RmSv: Wad?
Guest: I mean butter... just put it on the side.

RmSv: Copy?

Guest: Excuse me?
RmSv: Copy...tea...meel?

Guest: Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.
RmSv: One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy...rye?

Guest: Whatever you say.
RmSv: Tenjewberrymuds.

Guest: You're very welcome.


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Idle Thoughts if a Retiree;s Mind


I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.


....I had amnesia once -- or twice.


....I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?



...Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.



...All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.



..If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.



...What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?



...They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.



...Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.



...Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.



...One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.



...My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.



...I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.



...The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.



...If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?



...Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.



...Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


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Little Johnny and his Balloon


Little Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A diarrhoea run.

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the 'thing'.

Finally, he takes out his pen and touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right" she asks?

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart"!


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Fair is Fare


A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex", she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere" asked the girl?

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $55".


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Maharishi Vatsyayan Has Stated in his Magnum Opus

Sex is a:


Duty: if done with your Wife


Art: if done with your Lover


Education: if done with a Virgin


Business Transaction: if done with a Prostitute


Social Work: if done with a Divorcee


Charity: if done with a Widow


Sacrifice: if done with your own Hand.






Another goodie from jlo





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The Nun in Hooters


A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom"?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf".

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way", said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause !

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom"?

"Well, now they know you're one of us", said the bartender, "Would you like a drink"?

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand", said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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