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Are You a Believer in God and Jesus?GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn ' t get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father ' s business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment ' s notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn ' t get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Can I get an AMEN?
Another one from: Howard
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Wooden Leg Insurance
A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri , from Texas. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas , it cost them $2000. Per year!
When they arrived in Missouri , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39'.
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas!
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39...
You just have to know how to describe it!'
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One-liners on Marriage - Researched by Alan Turnham
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman) [For those who do not know him, Henny (not Henry) Youngman was an American stand up comedian.]
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." (Henny Youngman)
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)
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C+++ Creator, Bjarne Stroustrup Gave an Interview to the Ieee's 'computer Magazine.
On the 1st of January, 1998, Bjarne Stroustrup gave an interview to the IEEE's 'Computer' magazine. Naturally, the editors thought he would be giving a retrospective view of seven years of object-oriented design, using the language he created. By the end of the interview, the interviewer got more than he had bargained for and, subsequently, the editor decided to suppress its contents, 'for the good of the industry' but as with many of these things, there was a leak. Here is a complete transcript of what was said, unedited, and unrehearsed, so it isn't as neat as planned interviews.
You will find it interesting...
Well, it's been a few years since you changed theworld of software design. How does it feel, looking back?
Actually, I was thinking about those days, just before you arrived. Do you remember? Everyone was writing 'C' and, the trouble was, they were pretty damn good at it. Universities got pretty good at teaching it, too. They were turning out competent - I stress the word 'competent' - graduates at a phenomenal rate. That's what caused the problem.
Yes, problem. Remember when everyone wrote COBOL?
Of course, I did, too.
Well, in the beginning, these guys were like demi-gods. Their salaries were high, and they were treated like royalty.
Those were the days, eh?
Right. So what happened? IBM got sick of it, and invested millions in training programmers, till they were a dime a dozen.
That's why I got out. Salaries dropped within a year, to the point where being a journalist actually paid better.
Exactly. Well, the same happened with 'C' programmers.
Interviewer: I see, but what's the point?
Well, one day, when I was sitting in my office, I thought of this little scheme, which would redress the balance a little. I thought 'I wonder what would happen, if there were a language so complicated, so difficult to learn, that nobody would ever be able to swamp the market with programmers?
Actually, I got some of the ideas from X10, you know, X windows. That was such a bitch of a graphics system, that it only just ran on those Sun 3/60 things. They had all the ingredients for what I wanted. A really ridiculously complex syntax, obscure functions, and pseudo-OO structure. Even now, nobody writes raw X-windows code. Motif is the only way to go if you want to retain your sanity.
Not a bit of it. In fact, there was another problem. Unix was written in 'C', which meant that any 'C' programmer could very easily become a systems
programmer. Remember what a mainframe systems programmer used to earn?
You bet I do, that's what I used to do.
OK, so this new language had to divorce itself from Unix, by hiding all the system calls that bound the two together so nicely. This would enable guys who only knew about DOS to earn a decent living too.
I don't believe you said that...
Well, it's been long enough, now, and I believe most people have figured out for themselves that C++ is a waste of time but, I must say, it's taken them a lot longer than I thought it would.
So how exactly did you do it?
It was only supposed to be a joke, I never thought people would take the book seriously. Anyone with half a brain can see that object-oriented programming is counter-intuitive, illogical and inefficient.
And as for 're-useable code' --- when did you ever hear of a company re-using its code?
Well, never, actually, but...
There you are then. Mind you, a few tried, in the early days. There was this Oregon company --- Mentor Graphics, I think they were called --- really caught a cold trying to rewrite everything in C++ in about '90 or '91. I felt sorry for them really, but I thought people would learn from their mistakes.
Obviously, they didn't?
Not in the slightest. Trouble is, most companies hush-up all their major blunders, and explaining a $30 million loss to the shareholders would have been difficult. Give them their due, though, they made it work in the end.
They did? Well, there you are then, it proves O-O works.
Well, almost. The executable was so huge, it took five minutes to load, on an HP workstation, with 128MB of RAM. Then it ran like molasses. Actually, I thought this would be a major stumbling-block, and I'd get found out within a week, but nobody cared. Sun and HP were only too glad to sell enormously powerful boxes, with huge resources just to run trivial programs. You know, when we had our first C++ compiler, at AT&T, I compiled Hello World', and couldn't believe the size of the executable: 2.1MB
What? Well, compilers have come a long way, since then.
They have? Try it on the latest version of g++ - you won't get much change out of half a megabyte. Also, there are several quite recent examples for you, from all over the world. British Tele- com had a major disaster on their hands but, luckily, managed to scrap the whole thing and start again. They were luckier than Australian Telecom.
Now I hear that Siemens is building a dinosaur, and getting more and more worried as the size of the hardware gets bigger, to accommodate the executables. Isn't multiple inheritance a joy?
Yes, but C++ is basically a sound language.
You really believe that, don't you? Have you ever sat down and worked on a C++ project? Here's what happens: First, I've put in enough pitfalls to make sure that only the most trivial proj- ects will work first time. Take operator overloading. At the end of the project, almost every module has it, usually, because guys feel they really should do it, as it was in their training course. The same operator then means something totally different in every module. Try pulling that lot together, when you have a hundred or so modules. And as for data hiding, God, I sometimes can't help laughing when I hear about the problems companies have making their modules talk to each other.
I think the word 'synergistic' was specially invented to twist the knife in a project manager's ribs.
I have to say, I'm beginning to be quite appalled at all this. You say you did it to raise programmers' salaries? That's ob- scene.
Not really. Everyone has a choice. I didn't expect the thing to get so much out of hand. Anyway, I basically succeeded. C++ is dying off now, but programmers still get high salaries, especial- ly those poor devils who have to maintain all this crap. You do realise, it's impossible to maintain a large C++ software module if you didn't actually write it?
You are out of touch, aren't you? Remember the typedef?
Yes, of course.
Remember how long it took to grope through the header files only to find that 'RoofRaised' was a double precision number? Well, imagine how long it takes to find all the implicit typedefs in all the Classes in a major project.
So how do you reckon you've succeeded?
The universities haven't been teaching 'C' for such a long time, there's now a shortage of decent 'C' programmers. Especially those who know anything about Unix systems programming. How many guys would know what to do with 'malloc', when they've used 'new' all these years and never bothered to check the return code. In fact, most C++ programmers throw away their return codes. What- ever happened to good ol' '-1'? At least you knew you had an error, without bogging the thing down in all that 'throw' 'catch' 'try' stuff.
But, surely, inheritance does save a lot of time?
Does it? Have you ever noticed the difference between a 'C' project plan, and a C++ project plan? The planning stage for a C++ project is three times as long. Precisely to make sure that everything which should be inherited is, and what shouldn't isn't. Then, they still get it wrong. Whoever heard of memory leaks in a 'C' program? Now finding them is a major industry. Most companies give up, and send the product out, knowing it leaks like a sieve, simply to avoid the expense of tracking them all down.
There are tools....
...Most of which were written in C++.
If we publish this, you'll probably get lynched, you do realise that?
I doubt it. As I said, C++ is way past its peak now, and no company in its right mind would start a C++ project without a pilot trial. That should convince them that it's the road to disaster. If not, they deserve all they get. You know, I tried to convince Dennis Ritchie to rewrite Unix in C++.
Oh my God. What did he say?
Well, luckily, he has a good sense of humor. I think both he and Brian figured out what I was doing, in the early days, but never let on. He said he'd help me write a C++ version of DOS, if I was interested.
Actually, I did write DOS in C++, I'll give you a demo when we're through. I have it running on a Sparc 20 in the computer room. Goes like a rocket on 4 CPU's, and only takes up 70 megs of disk.
What's it like on a PC?
Now you're kidding. Haven't you ever seen Windows '95? I think of that as my biggest success. Nearly blew the game before I was ready, though.
You know, that idea of a Unix++ has really got me thinking. Somewhere out there, there's a guy going to try it.
Not after they read this interview.
I'm sorry, but I don't see us being able to publish any of this.
But it's the story of the century. I only want to be remembered by my fellow programmers, for what I've done for them. You know how much a C++ guy can get these days?
Last I heard, a really top guy is worth $80 - $90 an hour.
See? And I bet he earns it. Keeping track of all the gotchas I put into C++ is no easy job. And, as I said before, every C++ programmer feels bound by some mystic promise to use every damn element of the language on every project. Actually, that really annoys me sometimes, even though it serves my original purpose. I almost like the language after all this time.
You mean you didn't before?
Hated it. It even looks clumsy, don't you agree? But when the book royalties started to come in... well, you get the picture.
Just a minute. What about references? You must admit, you improved on 'C' pointers.
Hmm. I've always wondered about that. Originally, I thought I had. Then, one day I was discussing this with a guy who'd written C++ from the beginning. He said he could never remember whether his variables were referenced or dereferenced, so he always used pointers. He said the little asterisk always reminded him.
Well, at this point, I usually say 'thank you very much' but it hardly seems adequate.
Promise me you'll publish this. My conscience is getting the better of me these days.
I'll let you know, but I think I know what my editor will say.
Who'd believe it anyway? Although, can you send me a copy of that tape?
I can do that.
Shamelessly nicked from: http://artlung.com/smorgasborg/Invention_of_Cplusplus.shtml
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Su Wong Marries Lee Wong...
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby'?
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him....
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
You know you laughed and are going to send this on!!!
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Dave was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Dave left to go back home to his wife.
When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave"?
"I didn't have to" was Dave's reply. "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'"!
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see - through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want".
"So here I am"!
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I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally.. but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
This is the time of year to think of ticks once again.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
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On some bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it"?
The tower responded, "Who is calling"?
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make"?
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside?
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "yours is".
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. The colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir".
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want"?
"Nothing important, sir", the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone".
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar"?
Soldier: "Sure, buddy".
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again"!
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar"?
Soldier: "No, SIR"!
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot..
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse"!
The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like".
"Well", snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave".
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again".
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My Son Did It
Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom"?
"Please don't ask".
"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me".
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant".
"That's not possible".
"No, he did".
"He punctured my condoms"!
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The Boy Who Loved Tractors - Another Groaner
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.
Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was rather fed up with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked to the far window and blew all the smoke out again.
He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down Next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that"?
"No problem", said Joe,
(Wait for it. . . _Scroll down)
"I'm an extractor fan".
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