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Hilarious Quotes Concerning the Better Half

It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually tells you something.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

If you can't say anything nice... come sit by us.

Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.


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Out Of The Frying Pan & Into The Deep Fryer......

My teacher said I was being disrespectful.

She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken".

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be honest and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders". She sent me to the principal's office again.

This school stuff is really confusing.


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Down on the Farm


On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hanged herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."

And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"


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A Wife's Lover Who Was Caught Naked by her Husband


The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own beat. The woman cocked her ear, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. “What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you,” she replied with a knowing smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just step into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.” Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But.. but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “The little bastards!”


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Greek Style


A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot"!

"You're pretty cute, too," she says. "I'll tell you what, I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place"?

"It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies. "Before we go up there though," the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style"?

"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is", man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go"!

So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.

"Now, you're sure," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style"?

"Definitely" the man replies!

"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees".

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah, Yeah" says the man!

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style"?

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Yeah" he mumbles, "OK Greek style"!

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "OK, GUYS! COME ON IN"!






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Are You a Believer in God and Jesus?

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn ' t get a fair trial




But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father ' s business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God




But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil




But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion




But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment ' s notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn ' t get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do



Can I get an AMEN?



Another one from: Howard









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Wooden Leg Insurance


A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri , from Texas. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas , it cost them $2000. Per year!

When they arrived in Missouri , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39'.

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39...


You just have to know how to describe it!'



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One-liners on Marriage - Researched by Alan Turnham


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman) [For those who do not know him, Henny (not Henry) Youngman was an American stand up comedian.]

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." (Henny Youngman)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)


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C+++ Creator, Bjarne Stroustrup Gave an Interview to the Ieee's 'computer Magazine.


On the 1st of January, 1998, Bjarne Stroustrup gave an interview to the IEEE's 'Computer' magazine. Naturally, the editors thought he would be giving a retrospective view of seven years of object-oriented design, using the language he created. By the end of the interview, the interviewer got more than he had bargained for and, subsequently, the editor decided to suppress its contents, 'for the good of the industry' but as with many of these things, there was a leak. Here is a complete transcript of what was said, unedited, and unrehearsed, so it isn't as neat as planned interviews.

You will find it interesting...

________________________________________________________________

Interviewer:

Well, it's been a few years since you changed theworld of software design. How does it feel, looking back?

Stroustrup:

Actually, I was thinking about those days, just before you arrived. Do you remember? Everyone was writing 'C' and, the trouble was, they were pretty damn good at it. Universities got pretty good at teaching it, too. They were turning out competent - I stress the word 'competent' - graduates at a phenomenal rate. That's what caused the problem.

Interviewer:

Problem?

Stroustrup:

Yes, problem. Remember when everyone wrote COBOL?

Interviewer:

Of course, I did, too.

Stroustrup:

Well, in the beginning, these guys were like demi-gods. Their salaries were high, and they were treated like royalty.

Interviewer:

Those were the days, eh?

Stroustrup:

Right. So what happened? IBM got sick of it, and invested millions in training programmers, till they were a dime a dozen.

Interviewer:

That's why I got out. Salaries dropped within a year, to the point where being a journalist actually paid better.

Stroustrup:

Exactly. Well, the same happened with 'C' programmers.

Interviewer: I see, but what's the point?

Stroustrup:

Well, one day, when I was sitting in my office, I thought of this little scheme, which would redress the balance a little. I thought 'I wonder what would happen, if there were a language so complicated, so difficult to learn, that nobody would ever be able to swamp the market with programmers?

Actually, I got some of the ideas from X10, you know, X windows. That was such a bitch of a graphics system, that it only just ran on those Sun 3/60 things. They had all the ingredients for what I wanted. A really ridiculously complex syntax, obscure functions, and pseudo-OO structure. Even now, nobody writes raw X-windows code. Motif is the only way to go if you want to retain your sanity.

Interviewer:

You're kidding...?

Stroustrup:

Not a bit of it. In fact, there was another problem. Unix was written in 'C', which meant that any 'C' programmer could very easily become a systems
programmer. Remember what a mainframe systems programmer used to earn?

Interviewer:

You bet I do, that's what I used to do.

Stroustrup:

OK, so this new language had to divorce itself from Unix, by hiding all the system calls that bound the two together so nicely. This would enable guys who only knew about DOS to earn a decent living too.

Interviewer:

I don't believe you said that...

Stroustrup:

Well, it's been long enough, now, and I believe most people have figured out for themselves that C++ is a waste of time but, I must say, it's taken them a lot longer than I thought it would.

Interviewer:

So how exactly did you do it?

Stroustrup:

It was only supposed to be a joke, I never thought people would take the book seriously. Anyone with half a brain can see that object-oriented programming is counter-intuitive, illogical and inefficient.

Interviewer:

What?

Stroustrup:

And as for 're-useable code' --- when did you ever hear of a company re-using its code?

Interviewer:

Well, never, actually, but...

Stroustrup:

There you are then. Mind you, a few tried, in the early days. There was this Oregon company --- Mentor Graphics, I think they were called --- really caught a cold trying to rewrite everything in C++ in about '90 or '91. I felt sorry for them really, but I thought people would learn from their mistakes.

Interviewer:

Obviously, they didn't?

Stroustrup:

Not in the slightest. Trouble is, most companies hush-up all their major blunders, and explaining a $30 million loss to the shareholders would have been difficult. Give them their due, though, they made it work in the end.

Interviewer:

They did? Well, there you are then, it proves O-O works.

Stroustrup:

Well, almost. The executable was so huge, it took five minutes to load, on an HP workstation, with 128MB of RAM. Then it ran like molasses. Actually, I thought this would be a major stumbling-block, and I'd get found out within a week, but nobody cared. Sun and HP were only too glad to sell enormously powerful boxes, with huge resources just to run trivial programs. You know, when we had our first C++ compiler, at AT&T, I compiled Hello World', and couldn't believe the size of the executable: 2.1MB

Interviewer:

What? Well, compilers have come a long way, since then.

Stroustrup:

They have? Try it on the latest version of g++ - you won't get much change out of half a megabyte. Also, there are several quite recent examples for you, from all over the world. British Tele- com had a major disaster on their hands but, luckily, managed to scrap the whole thing and start again. They were luckier than Australian Telecom.

Now I hear that Siemens is building a dinosaur, and getting more and more worried as the size of the hardware gets bigger, to accommodate the executables. Isn't multiple inheritance a joy?

Interviewer:

Yes, but C++ is basically a sound language.

Stroustrup:

You really believe that, don't you? Have you ever sat down and worked on a C++ project? Here's what happens: First, I've put in enough pitfalls to make sure that only the most trivial proj- ects will work first time. Take operator overloading. At the end of the project, almost every module has it, usually, because guys feel they really should do it, as it was in their training course. The same operator then means something totally different in every module. Try pulling that lot together, when you have a hundred or so modules. And as for data hiding, God, I sometimes can't help laughing when I hear about the problems companies have making their modules talk to each other.

I think the word 'synergistic' was specially invented to twist the knife in a project manager's ribs.

Interviewer:

I have to say, I'm beginning to be quite appalled at all this. You say you did it to raise programmers' salaries? That's ob- scene.

Stroustrup:

Not really. Everyone has a choice. I didn't expect the thing to get so much out of hand. Anyway, I basically succeeded. C++ is dying off now, but programmers still get high salaries, especial- ly those poor devils who have to maintain all this crap. You do realise, it's impossible to maintain a large C++ software module if you didn't actually write it?

Interviewer:

How come?

Stroustrup:

You are out of touch, aren't you? Remember the typedef?

Interviewer:

Yes, of course.

Stroustrup:

Remember how long it took to grope through the header files only to find that 'RoofRaised' was a double precision number? Well, imagine how long it takes to find all the implicit typedefs in all the Classes in a major project.

Interviewer:

So how do you reckon you've succeeded?

Stroustrup:

The universities haven't been teaching 'C' for such a long time, there's now a shortage of decent 'C' programmers. Especially those who know anything about Unix systems programming. How many guys would know what to do with 'malloc', when they've used 'new' all these years and never bothered to check the return code. In fact, most C++ programmers throw away their return codes. What- ever happened to good ol' '-1'? At least you knew you had an error, without bogging the thing down in all that 'throw' 'catch' 'try' stuff.

Interviewer:

But, surely, inheritance does save a lot of time?

Stroustrup:

Does it? Have you ever noticed the difference between a 'C' project plan, and a C++ project plan? The planning stage for a C++ project is three times as long. Precisely to make sure that everything which should be inherited is, and what shouldn't isn't. Then, they still get it wrong. Whoever heard of memory leaks in a 'C' program? Now finding them is a major industry. Most companies give up, and send the product out, knowing it leaks like a sieve, simply to avoid the expense of tracking them all down.

Interviewer:

There are tools....

Stroustrup:

...Most of which were written in C++.

Interviewer:

If we publish this, you'll probably get lynched, you do realise that?

Stroustrup:

I doubt it. As I said, C++ is way past its peak now, and no company in its right mind would start a C++ project without a pilot trial. That should convince them that it's the road to disaster. If not, they deserve all they get. You know, I tried to convince Dennis Ritchie to rewrite Unix in C++.

Interviewer:

Oh my God. What did he say?

Stroustrup:

Well, luckily, he has a good sense of humor. I think both he and Brian figured out what I was doing, in the early days, but never let on. He said he'd help me write a C++ version of DOS, if I was interested.

Interviewer:

Were you?

Stroustrup:

Actually, I did write DOS in C++, I'll give you a demo when we're through. I have it running on a Sparc 20 in the computer room. Goes like a rocket on 4 CPU's, and only takes up 70 megs of disk.

Interviewer:

What's it like on a PC?

Stroustrup:

Now you're kidding. Haven't you ever seen Windows '95? I think of that as my biggest success. Nearly blew the game before I was ready, though.

Interviewer:

You know, that idea of a Unix++ has really got me thinking. Somewhere out there, there's a guy going to try it.

Stroustrup:

Not after they read this interview.

Interviewer:

I'm sorry, but I don't see us being able to publish any of this.

Stroustrup:

But it's the story of the century. I only want to be remembered by my fellow programmers, for what I've done for them. You know how much a C++ guy can get these days?

Interviewer:

Last I heard, a really top guy is worth $80 - $90 an hour.

Stroustrup:

See? And I bet he earns it. Keeping track of all the gotchas I put into C++ is no easy job. And, as I said before, every C++ programmer feels bound by some mystic promise to use every damn element of the language on every project. Actually, that really annoys me sometimes, even though it serves my original purpose. I almost like the language after all this time.

Interviewer:

You mean you didn't before?

Stroustrup:

Hated it. It even looks clumsy, don't you agree? But when the book royalties started to come in... well, you get the picture.

Interviewer:

Just a minute. What about references? You must admit, you improved on 'C' pointers.

Stroustrup:

Hmm. I've always wondered about that. Originally, I thought I had. Then, one day I was discussing this with a guy who'd written C++ from the beginning. He said he could never remember whether his variables were referenced or dereferenced, so he always used pointers. He said the little asterisk always reminded him.

Interviewer:

Well, at this point, I usually say 'thank you very much' but it hardly seems adequate.

Stroustrup:

Promise me you'll publish this. My conscience is getting the better of me these days.

Interviewer:

I'll let you know, but I think I know what my editor will say.

Stroustrup:

Who'd believe it anyway? Although, can you send me a copy of that tape?

Interviewer:

I can do that.




Shamelessly nicked from: http://artlung.com/smorgasborg/Invention_of_Cplusplus.shtml




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Su Wong Marries Lee Wong...


The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby'?

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him....


Are you ready for this?








Sum Ting Wong






You know you laughed and are going to send this on!!!


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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