Thursday 20th June 2019 - 10:27:02 

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The Smoke Theory


A theory has recently been postulated asserting the great importance of smoke to the functioning of electrical components. According to this theory, it is smoke which makes components work because every time you let smoke out of a component, it stops working!! It seems this claim has been verified through extensive field testing.

As with many great discoveries, this has eluded the great minds of our time by its very simplicity. Of course, smoke makes all things electrical work! Remember the last time smoke escaped from your power supply? Didn’t it stop working? On a system level, a wiring harness carries smoke from one device to another, and when the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. Some systems require larger quantities of smoke to operate properly. That’s why the wires going to them are bigger.

Of course, there are some aspects of the theory which require further investigation. For example, one would think that persons who smoke cigarettes would be much more healthy from ingesting all that smoke. Experimental data seems to contradict that hypothesis. Perhaps smokers are actually exhaling more smoke than they inhale...


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How to Place the Right Person in the Right Job?



Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING.

If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.

If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.

If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.

If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN SALES.

If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN SAFETY OFFICE.

If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.

If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE EXPORT.

AND last but not least....

If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT!!!


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The Alternative Ten Laws of Computing



1) The more acronyms on a page, the harder the topic is to understand.

2) Inside every program is a small module struggling to find a life of its own.

3) Developeritus. Developers get their programs working perfectly on their machines, but they forget that their potential customers may have very different computer environments.

4) Computer project teams avoid monthly progress reporting because it demonstrates their lack of progress.

5) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the abilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

6) You will never solve any computer problem if you are in a bad mood.

7) When troubleshooting computer problems, people always assume that problem is the most obscure combination possible. Whereas, in reality the fault is invariably the simplest fault.

8) Every computer program expands to fill all the available memory.

9) If a computer supplier says a part is interchangeable, for example tape drives - they lie.

10) Remember that your computer makes as many mistakes in two pico seconds as fifty men working for a years.


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Ten Laws of Computing


1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.

4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.


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An Act of Charity

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he’d like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him”.


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Best Joke from a British Competition


A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here”.

The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”.

“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same”, replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship”.

Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me”.

The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same”.



(This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain)


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Gentle Thoughts for Today


Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.


When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .


Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'


The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved..


When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.


Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.


Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf


Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.





Nicked from: http://www.prostatepointers.org/mailman/listinfo/hah


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Funny Shop Names

There's a mobile snack caravan on Dartmoor named :
'The Hound of the Basket Meals'.

There is a bakery in Sutton called 'Agatha Crustie'.

In Turnham Green, Chiswick we find a dry cleaner called 'Turn 'em Clean'.[Nick Robinson]

'A Pane in the Glass' is the name of a glazier's in New York State, USA.

Others can be found at a website called shophorror owned by Guy Swillingham.

I have seen two of his examples, one in Croydon named 'The Vinyl Frontier'; a shop which sells second hand records;

Another example is a restaurant in Belfast called 'Thai Tanic'.

Teddy bear shop in Penge called 'Bearly Trading'. [Isabel Radage]

Fish and chip shop in Santa Ponsa, Mallorca named 'Oh My Cod'. [David Harries]
and another in Bangkok, http://www.fishandchipsbangkok.com/

Will has found a bakery in Albert Road, Southsea called 'Upper Crustie'.

Guy has savoured the hake and chips at a shop called: 'A Fish called Rhondda'. We were on our way to Caerphilly and found the chippy in Ton Pentre, South Wales.

Would you believe a driving school in the Merseyside area called 'L Passo'. [David Percy]

Fruit, vegetable and flower shop in Aylsham and Reepham, Norfolk goes by the name of 'Meloncaulie Rose'.
[Mary + John Longhurst]

Barbers shop named 'Herr Kutz'. [David Percy]

Knockin, in Shropshire has to have a 'Knockin Shop' naturally. What it sells is not given.
[Peter Smith]

There is, apparently, a mobile snack bat in Cornwall, UK which goes by the name of, 'The Star Chip Enterprise.'
[John Aikman]

There was an Indian restaurant in Radford, Nottingham, UK which went under the name of ' Balti Towers'. [Probably only appreciated by British readers]

On a butcher's van on Dartmoor - "Tor to Tor Delivery."
[Roger McCann reports]

A hire van company in Kent called "Van Gough".
[Bob Humm saw]

I am led to believe that in Dulmen, Germany, there is a flower shop named 'Blumen Ecke'.

[Sent in by Nigel McNeilly, who suspects that the humour may be lost on the owners]

Between Tenby and Pembroke can be found a specialist horticultural nursery boasting a sign reading:
"Your fuchsia is in our hands." [Tim Large]

In Havant, Hants, UK a greetings card shop can be found that goes by the name of "Havant Forgotten".
[Nick Morris]

There is a whole-food shop in Argyll called "Oban Sesame". [Cyril Bailey]

Drop your pants here, and you will receive prompt attention. Sign on a laundrette.




Nicked from: http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/latest.htm




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For My 75th Birthday My Wife Gave Me...

Two old guys were chatting.....

One said to the other:

"My 75th birthday was yesterday.

The wife gave me a SUV".

Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!.....

Imagine, an SUV!!..

What a great gift!"

First guy:

"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"


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Hilarious Quotes Concerning the Better Half

It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually tells you something.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

If you can't say anything nice... come sit by us.

Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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