Saturday 25th May 2019 - 15:08:35 

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Murphy's Car is Stolen


Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off.

Naturally she reported the matter to the police.

'What did he look like?, the sergeant asked.

'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.





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Don't Be An Oxymoron...


Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.


Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?


Profanity sucks.


If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.


The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.


Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.


Prejudiced people are all alike.


What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?


Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.


Evil is not all bad.


I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.


Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.


There's no such thing as nonexistence.


Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.


As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.


He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.


I disagree with unanimity.


I have my doubts about disbelief.


Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.


One should never generalize.


Avoid clich้s like the plague.


Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.


On one hand, I'm indecisive, but on the other, I'm not.


I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.


Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.


Death to all fanatics!


An oral contract isn't worth the paper it’s written on.


If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.


I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!


I always wanted to be a procrastinator!


Rehab is for quitters!


The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.


Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.


Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever.


My identity lies in not knowing who I am.


I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.


I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.


Free advice is worth what you paid for it.


I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.


Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.


There are only three kinds of people: people who can count and people who can't.


Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.




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Real Answers Taken over the Years on Larry Gogan’s Radio Show in Ireland.

Actual answers given to Larry Gogan on the Just a Minute Quiz.


1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword


2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon


3) Name the Capital of France? F


4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell


5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar


6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital


7) What is Hitlers first name ? Heil


8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name) A pig in sh*t


9) Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.


10) A dangerous race ? The Arabs


11) Something that floats in a bath ? Water


12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers ? A horse


13) Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair


14) A famous Royal ? Mail


15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings


16) A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters


17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet


18) Something you do in the bathroom ? Decorate


19) A method of securing your home ? Put the kettle on


20) Something associated with pigs ? The Police


21) A sign of the Zodiac ? April


22) Something people might be allergic to ? Skiing


23) Something you do before you go to bed ? Sleep


24) Something you put on walls ? A roof


25) Something Slippery ? A conman


26) A kind of ache ? A fillet of fish


27) A Jacket Potato topping ? Jam


28) A food that can be brown or white ? A potato


29) A famous Scotsman? Jock


30) A famous Scotsman? Vinnie Jones


31) Something you open other than a door ? Your bowels


32) What star do travelers follow? Joe Dolan




Another good one from: Jem




.


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How Did You Get the Injury?


A farmer being attended to by a junior doctor at a casualty department for a broken wrist was asked the standard question "How did you get the injury." He replied that he would tell the truth but you are not going to believe it.

Finishing some work in the cow shed he walked back over the yard towards his house when he noticed a stone in his boot. Just as he bent down to get the stone out, it started to rain heavily. He hopped into the nearest doorway and continued to shake his foot to move the stone.

A farmhand walking into the yard sees him with one hand resting on the electrical terminal box twitching his leg like a mad man. It looked like his boss was being electrocuted so he grabbed a lump of wood and following best safety practices "Broke contact" by whacking the farmers hand away from the electrical source.

His next job was to drive his boss to the hospital


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The Smoke Theory


A theory has recently been postulated asserting the great importance of smoke to the functioning of electrical components. According to this theory, it is smoke which makes components work because every time you let smoke out of a component, it stops working!! It seems this claim has been verified through extensive field testing.

As with many great discoveries, this has eluded the great minds of our time by its very simplicity. Of course, smoke makes all things electrical work! Remember the last time smoke escaped from your power supply? Didn’t it stop working? On a system level, a wiring harness carries smoke from one device to another, and when the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. Some systems require larger quantities of smoke to operate properly. That’s why the wires going to them are bigger.

Of course, there are some aspects of the theory which require further investigation. For example, one would think that persons who smoke cigarettes would be much more healthy from ingesting all that smoke. Experimental data seems to contradict that hypothesis. Perhaps smokers are actually exhaling more smoke than they inhale...


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How to Place the Right Person in the Right Job?



Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING.

If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.

If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.

If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.

If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN SALES.

If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN SAFETY OFFICE.

If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.

If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE EXPORT.

AND last but not least....

If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT!!!


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The Alternative Ten Laws of Computing



1) The more acronyms on a page, the harder the topic is to understand.

2) Inside every program is a small module struggling to find a life of its own.

3) Developeritus. Developers get their programs working perfectly on their machines, but they forget that their potential customers may have very different computer environments.

4) Computer project teams avoid monthly progress reporting because it demonstrates their lack of progress.

5) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the abilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

6) You will never solve any computer problem if you are in a bad mood.

7) When troubleshooting computer problems, people always assume that problem is the most obscure combination possible. Whereas, in reality the fault is invariably the simplest fault.

8) Every computer program expands to fill all the available memory.

9) If a computer supplier says a part is interchangeable, for example tape drives - they lie.

10) Remember that your computer makes as many mistakes in two pico seconds as fifty men working for a years.


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Ten Laws of Computing


1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.

4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.


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An Act of Charity

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he’d like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him”.


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Best Joke from a British Competition


A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here”.

The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”.

“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same”, replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship”.

Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me”.

The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same”.



(This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain)


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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