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Edinburgh Fringe Festival Winning Jokes

Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

The funnyman, who has previously been nominated for the Perrier award, picked up the trophy from TV channel Dave.
Nine comedy critics sat through thousands of jokes before choosing 27 for viewers to vote on.

The winning joke was a one-liner from 36-year-old Antopolski's show Silent But Deadly - "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge"?

The Londoner proved popular with critics and viewers and another of his jokes made the top 10 list.

The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:

1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge"?

2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'".

3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong".

4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West".

5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending".

6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough".

7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it"!

8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".

9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't".

10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder.
So I didn't finish a lot of them".


The judges sat through an average of 60 comedy performances each before creating a shortlist of 27 jokes.
More than 3,000 comedy fans voted, with almost 18% choosing Antopolski's one-liner.

• Antopolski said: "I'm delighted to get the prize. Although I have won things before at the Fringe, this definitely means the most to me and that it should unite my loves of hedgehogs, comedy and Dave makes this prize very special."
The judges also listed some of the worst jokes at this year's Fringe.

• Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad".

• Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling".

• Alex Maple - "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children".

• Phil Nichol - "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging".

• Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more...





Nicked from: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/8216991.stm



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From The London Times: A Well-planned Retirement



Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses.

For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),
£5 for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management
called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently
had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then simply began to show up every day, commencing to collect
and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars! .....

And no one even knows his name!


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Grandparents and Kids


1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye..
.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods". The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and G-d are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.


6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"


8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."


9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."


11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.




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Murphy's Car is Stolen


Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off.

Naturally she reported the matter to the police.

'What did he look like?, the sergeant asked.

'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.





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Don't Be An Oxymoron...


Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.


Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?


Profanity sucks.


If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.


The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.


Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.


Prejudiced people are all alike.


What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?


Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.


Evil is not all bad.


I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.


Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.


There's no such thing as nonexistence.


Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.


As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.


He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.


I disagree with unanimity.


I have my doubts about disbelief.


Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.


One should never generalize.


Avoid clich้s like the plague.


Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.


On one hand, I'm indecisive, but on the other, I'm not.


I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.


Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.


Death to all fanatics!


An oral contract isn't worth the paper it’s written on.


If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.


I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!


I always wanted to be a procrastinator!


Rehab is for quitters!


The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.


Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.


Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever.


My identity lies in not knowing who I am.


I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.


I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.


Free advice is worth what you paid for it.


I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.


Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.


There are only three kinds of people: people who can count and people who can't.


Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.




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Real Answers Taken over the Years on Larry Gogan’s Radio Show in Ireland.

Actual answers given to Larry Gogan on the Just a Minute Quiz.


1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword


2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon


3) Name the Capital of France? F


4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell


5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar


6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital


7) What is Hitlers first name ? Heil


8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name) A pig in sh*t


9) Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.


10) A dangerous race ? The Arabs


11) Something that floats in a bath ? Water


12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers ? A horse


13) Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair


14) A famous Royal ? Mail


15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings


16) A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters


17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet


18) Something you do in the bathroom ? Decorate


19) A method of securing your home ? Put the kettle on


20) Something associated with pigs ? The Police


21) A sign of the Zodiac ? April


22) Something people might be allergic to ? Skiing


23) Something you do before you go to bed ? Sleep


24) Something you put on walls ? A roof


25) Something Slippery ? A conman


26) A kind of ache ? A fillet of fish


27) A Jacket Potato topping ? Jam


28) A food that can be brown or white ? A potato


29) A famous Scotsman? Jock


30) A famous Scotsman? Vinnie Jones


31) Something you open other than a door ? Your bowels


32) What star do travelers follow? Joe Dolan




Another good one from: Jem




.


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How Did You Get the Injury?


A farmer being attended to by a junior doctor at a casualty department for a broken wrist was asked the standard question "How did you get the injury." He replied that he would tell the truth but you are not going to believe it.

Finishing some work in the cow shed he walked back over the yard towards his house when he noticed a stone in his boot. Just as he bent down to get the stone out, it started to rain heavily. He hopped into the nearest doorway and continued to shake his foot to move the stone.

A farmhand walking into the yard sees him with one hand resting on the electrical terminal box twitching his leg like a mad man. It looked like his boss was being electrocuted so he grabbed a lump of wood and following best safety practices "Broke contact" by whacking the farmers hand away from the electrical source.

His next job was to drive his boss to the hospital


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The Smoke Theory


A theory has recently been postulated asserting the great importance of smoke to the functioning of electrical components. According to this theory, it is smoke which makes components work because every time you let smoke out of a component, it stops working!! It seems this claim has been verified through extensive field testing.

As with many great discoveries, this has eluded the great minds of our time by its very simplicity. Of course, smoke makes all things electrical work! Remember the last time smoke escaped from your power supply? Didn’t it stop working? On a system level, a wiring harness carries smoke from one device to another, and when the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. Some systems require larger quantities of smoke to operate properly. That’s why the wires going to them are bigger.

Of course, there are some aspects of the theory which require further investigation. For example, one would think that persons who smoke cigarettes would be much more healthy from ingesting all that smoke. Experimental data seems to contradict that hypothesis. Perhaps smokers are actually exhaling more smoke than they inhale...


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How to Place the Right Person in the Right Job?



Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING.

If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.

If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.

If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.

If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN SALES.

If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN SAFETY OFFICE.

If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.

If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE EXPORT.

AND last but not least....

If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT!!!


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The Alternative Ten Laws of Computing



1) The more acronyms on a page, the harder the topic is to understand.

2) Inside every program is a small module struggling to find a life of its own.

3) Developeritus. Developers get their programs working perfectly on their machines, but they forget that their potential customers may have very different computer environments.

4) Computer project teams avoid monthly progress reporting because it demonstrates their lack of progress.

5) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the abilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

6) You will never solve any computer problem if you are in a bad mood.

7) When troubleshooting computer problems, people always assume that problem is the most obscure combination possible. Whereas, in reality the fault is invariably the simplest fault.

8) Every computer program expands to fill all the available memory.

9) If a computer supplier says a part is interchangeable, for example tape drives - they lie.

10) Remember that your computer makes as many mistakes in two pico seconds as fifty men working for a years.


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This can save your bacon

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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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