Friday 15th November 2019 - 09:15:03 

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Who Is Next?


This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car.

A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop.

The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf.

The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never bonked a cop before!"



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The Importance of Walking


Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there...

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country..

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,.......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.


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Computer Help Desk Support Calls Revisited





Customer: "My disk ran out of space when trying to save my Word document, so I changed it from double spaced to single spaced and it still wouldn't fit!"



Tech Support: "Have you made backups of your software and data?"
Customer: "I didn't know it had a reverse."



Customer: "All my files I saved last week to my C: drive are missing!"
Tech Support: "Do you remember what directory you first saved them in?"
Customer: "No, I don't. I just know it was on my C: drive."
Tech Support: "Ok, I'll walk you through how to find the files."
Customer: "I wouldn't think I would be losing files on this computer. Gee, I just had the hard drive replaced in it yesterday."



Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like me to do that?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?"
Customer: "How?"
Tech Support: "Place the disk in the opening at the front of the computer."
Customer: "Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do this?"
Tech Support: "Um yes, that might be an idea."



Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"



Customer: "How do you spell 'Internet America'? Is there a space between 'inter' and 'net'?"
Tech Support: "No space between 'inter' and 'net'. It's spelled normally."
Customer: "Ok. A-M-E-R-I-C-K?"
Tech Support: "That's A-M-E-R-I-C-A."
Customer: "I-C-K???"
Tech Support: "'A' as in apple"
Customer: "There's no 'K' in apple!"


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You Were Really Lucky when I Knocked You Over...


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A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.

"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.

"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.

"Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied."





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Three Men Commit Suicide by Jumping off the Top of a Building



Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.

The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland !'

The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'

The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''




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Cowboy in a Gay Bar

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar.

“What the heck,” he says to himself, “I really want a drink.” When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your willy?” The cowboy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.

“The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, ‘Just Do It.’ that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because ‘It really Satisfies.’ “The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.” The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?” the fella proudly replies, “‘Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!’”

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you guys call yours?” The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” “Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY…..’Like a Rock!’ “And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.” The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”

The cowboy says, “Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!’





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Edinburgh Fringe Festival Winning Jokes

Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

The funnyman, who has previously been nominated for the Perrier award, picked up the trophy from TV channel Dave.
Nine comedy critics sat through thousands of jokes before choosing 27 for viewers to vote on.

The winning joke was a one-liner from 36-year-old Antopolski's show Silent But Deadly - "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge"?

The Londoner proved popular with critics and viewers and another of his jokes made the top 10 list.

The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:

1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge"?

2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'".

3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong".

4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West".

5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending".

6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough".

7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it"!

8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".

9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't".

10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder.
So I didn't finish a lot of them".


The judges sat through an average of 60 comedy performances each before creating a shortlist of 27 jokes.
More than 3,000 comedy fans voted, with almost 18% choosing Antopolski's one-liner.

• Antopolski said: "I'm delighted to get the prize. Although I have won things before at the Fringe, this definitely means the most to me and that it should unite my loves of hedgehogs, comedy and Dave makes this prize very special."
The judges also listed some of the worst jokes at this year's Fringe.

• Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad".

• Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling".

• Alex Maple - "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children".

• Phil Nichol - "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging".

• Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more...





Nicked from: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/8216991.stm



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From The London Times: A Well-planned Retirement



Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses.

For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),
£5 for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management
called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently
had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then simply began to show up every day, commencing to collect
and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars! .....

And no one even knows his name!


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Grandparents and Kids


1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye..
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2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods". The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and G-d are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.


6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"


8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."


9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."


11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.




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Murphy's Car is Stolen


Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off.

Naturally she reported the matter to the police.

'What did he look like?, the sergeant asked.

'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.





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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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