Sunday 25th August 2019 - 18:01:14 

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A Guy from Kansas Dies


A guy from Kansas dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the guy from Kansas is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The guy from Kansas, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Kansas. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from Kansas. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy from Kansas is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The guy from Kansas replies, "This is great! Just like April in Kansas. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from Kansas suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the guy from Kansas unhappy, the devil checks in on him.

He is again aghast at what he sees. The guy from Kansas is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.

Jumping up and down, the guy from Kansas throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Chiefs won the Super Bowl.”





Nicked from: http://prostatepointers.org


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Gone Fishing


Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout. He told the fishmonger, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you"?

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?" Asked the fishmonger?

"So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them." said Alex.

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon."

"Why’s that?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That's what she'd like for supper tonight." replied the fishmonger with a grin.




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Who Is Next?


This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car.

A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop.

The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf.

The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never bonked a cop before!"



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The Importance of Walking


Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there...

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country..

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,.......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.


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Computer Help Desk Support Calls Revisited





Customer: "My disk ran out of space when trying to save my Word document, so I changed it from double spaced to single spaced and it still wouldn't fit!"



Tech Support: "Have you made backups of your software and data?"
Customer: "I didn't know it had a reverse."



Customer: "All my files I saved last week to my C: drive are missing!"
Tech Support: "Do you remember what directory you first saved them in?"
Customer: "No, I don't. I just know it was on my C: drive."
Tech Support: "Ok, I'll walk you through how to find the files."
Customer: "I wouldn't think I would be losing files on this computer. Gee, I just had the hard drive replaced in it yesterday."



Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like me to do that?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?"
Customer: "How?"
Tech Support: "Place the disk in the opening at the front of the computer."
Customer: "Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do this?"
Tech Support: "Um yes, that might be an idea."



Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"



Customer: "How do you spell 'Internet America'? Is there a space between 'inter' and 'net'?"
Tech Support: "No space between 'inter' and 'net'. It's spelled normally."
Customer: "Ok. A-M-E-R-I-C-K?"
Tech Support: "That's A-M-E-R-I-C-A."
Customer: "I-C-K???"
Tech Support: "'A' as in apple"
Customer: "There's no 'K' in apple!"


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You Were Really Lucky when I Knocked You Over...


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A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.

"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.

"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.

"Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied."





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Three Men Commit Suicide by Jumping off the Top of a Building



Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.

The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland !'

The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'

The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''




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Cowboy in a Gay Bar

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar.

“What the heck,” he says to himself, “I really want a drink.” When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your willy?” The cowboy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.

“The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, ‘Just Do It.’ that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because ‘It really Satisfies.’ “The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.” The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?” the fella proudly replies, “‘Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!’”

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you guys call yours?” The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” “Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY…..’Like a Rock!’ “And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.” The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”

The cowboy says, “Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!’





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Edinburgh Fringe Festival Winning Jokes

Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

The funnyman, who has previously been nominated for the Perrier award, picked up the trophy from TV channel Dave.
Nine comedy critics sat through thousands of jokes before choosing 27 for viewers to vote on.

The winning joke was a one-liner from 36-year-old Antopolski's show Silent But Deadly - "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge"?

The Londoner proved popular with critics and viewers and another of his jokes made the top 10 list.

The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:

1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge"?

2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'".

3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong".

4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West".

5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending".

6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough".

7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it"!

8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".

9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't".

10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder.
So I didn't finish a lot of them".


The judges sat through an average of 60 comedy performances each before creating a shortlist of 27 jokes.
More than 3,000 comedy fans voted, with almost 18% choosing Antopolski's one-liner.

• Antopolski said: "I'm delighted to get the prize. Although I have won things before at the Fringe, this definitely means the most to me and that it should unite my loves of hedgehogs, comedy and Dave makes this prize very special."
The judges also listed some of the worst jokes at this year's Fringe.

• Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad".

• Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling".

• Alex Maple - "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children".

• Phil Nichol - "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging".

• Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more...





Nicked from: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/8216991.stm



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From The London Times: A Well-planned Retirement



Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses.

For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),
£5 for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management
called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently
had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then simply began to show up every day, commencing to collect
and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars! .....

And no one even knows his name!


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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