Saturday 20th July 2019 - 17:12:59 

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I dialed a number and got the following recording:

'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.'

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire...

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses..

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.

~~~~~



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Now this is what Some Would Call a Very Loving Wife.




A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner love? Chicken, beef or Lamb?

"He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied loudly, "Fuck you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."





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Life is Short……………..if It Needs to Be Paid, Get It Done Soonest Before Its Too Late!!


whahahahaha ......


An Indian, a Chinese and a Malay were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all of them died before they arrived.


Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Chinese, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present, asked him what happened.


"Well," said the Chinese, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Indian and the Malay and I were standing at the gates of heaven. An Angel approached us and said that we were too young to die, and that for a donation of RM 500, we could return to earth. So, of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the RM 500 and the next thing I knew I was back here."


"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors. "But what happened to the other two?"


"Last I saw them" replied the Chinese, "the Indian was bargaining over the price, and the Malay was waiting for the government to pay for his." _._,___




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Quick One for the Brits'


I went to a shop and asked the shop keeper "Do you sell net curtains?"

He said "No, sorry, they all include VAT"

I said "That's gross!"


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More Commentator Bloomers

Not many commentators have had a new word named after them. David Coleman was the inspiration for calling commentary gaffes - Colemanballs. The term was first used at the Montreal Olympics in 1976. While describing an 800m race David Coleman said:
And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.

That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record
David Coleman

A truly international field, no Britons involved.
David Coleman

For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2.
Ted Lowe (Snooker)

Steve is going for the pink ball - and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green.
Ted Lowe (Snooker)

Britain's last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki
Nigel Starmer-Smith

The Americans sowed the seed, and now they have reaped the whirlwind
Sebastian Coe

He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62.
David Coleman

Cram nailed his colours to the mast and threw down the Great Pretender
Ron Pickering

Mary Decker Slaney, the world greatest front runner, I shouldn't be surprised to see her at the front
Ron Pickering

She hasn't run faster than herself before
Zola Budd

Born in America. John returned to his native Japan
Mike Gratton

Ingrid Kristiansen then has smashed the world record, running the 5000 metres in 14:58.89. Truly amazing. Incidentally, this is a personal best for Ingrid Kristiansen.
David Coleman

We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waitz is 80 seconds behind
David Coleman

He's 31 this year. Last year he was 30
David Coleman

It's raining and the track is wet!
Murray Walker (Grand Prix)

It's obvious these Russian swimmers are determined to do well on American soil
Anita Lonsborough

And the line up for the final of the Women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.
David Coleman


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Believe It or Not , These Are Real 911 Calls!



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired
of it!



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.



My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!



And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.




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Rindercella and her Sugly Isters.

Try read ing this out loud without laughing,

If you can, you are devoid of laughter cells...

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes. The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards..

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in..

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!




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Little Johnny Was asked to Spell...


The teacher asked Little Johnny to spell "straight".

Little Johnny did so without any errors.

"Well done and what is the meaning of 'straight'" said the teacher?

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'without water in it".






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How Little Johnny Sold Toothbrushes



The kids filed back into class Monday morning..

They were very excited..

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher,

"What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing,

"Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?


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A Guy from Kansas Dies


A guy from Kansas dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the guy from Kansas is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The guy from Kansas, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Kansas. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from Kansas. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy from Kansas is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The guy from Kansas replies, "This is great! Just like April in Kansas. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from Kansas suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the guy from Kansas unhappy, the devil checks in on him.

He is again aghast at what he sees. The guy from Kansas is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.

Jumping up and down, the guy from Kansas throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Chiefs won the Super Bowl.”





Nicked from: http://prostatepointers.org


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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