Sunday 21st October 2018 - 19:52:17 

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The Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls.


We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in a very painful death.








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Who is Jack Schitt?


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE



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More Quickies


I dialed a number and got the following recording:

'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.'

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire...

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses..

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.

~~~~~



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Now this is what Some Would Call a Very Loving Wife.




A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner love? Chicken, beef or Lamb?

"He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied loudly, "Fuck you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."





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Life is Short……………..if It Needs to Be Paid, Get It Done Soonest Before Its Too Late!!


whahahahaha ......


An Indian, a Chinese and a Malay were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all of them died before they arrived.


Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Chinese, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present, asked him what happened.


"Well," said the Chinese, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Indian and the Malay and I were standing at the gates of heaven. An Angel approached us and said that we were too young to die, and that for a donation of RM 500, we could return to earth. So, of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the RM 500 and the next thing I knew I was back here."


"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors. "But what happened to the other two?"


"Last I saw them" replied the Chinese, "the Indian was bargaining over the price, and the Malay was waiting for the government to pay for his." _._,___




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Quick One for the Brits'


I went to a shop and asked the shop keeper "Do you sell net curtains?"

He said "No, sorry, they all include VAT"

I said "That's gross!"


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More Commentator Bloomers

Not many commentators have had a new word named after them. David Coleman was the inspiration for calling commentary gaffes - Colemanballs. The term was first used at the Montreal Olympics in 1976. While describing an 800m race David Coleman said:
And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.

That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record
David Coleman

A truly international field, no Britons involved.
David Coleman

For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2.
Ted Lowe (Snooker)

Steve is going for the pink ball - and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green.
Ted Lowe (Snooker)

Britain's last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki
Nigel Starmer-Smith

The Americans sowed the seed, and now they have reaped the whirlwind
Sebastian Coe

He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62.
David Coleman

Cram nailed his colours to the mast and threw down the Great Pretender
Ron Pickering

Mary Decker Slaney, the world greatest front runner, I shouldn't be surprised to see her at the front
Ron Pickering

She hasn't run faster than herself before
Zola Budd

Born in America. John returned to his native Japan
Mike Gratton

Ingrid Kristiansen then has smashed the world record, running the 5000 metres in 14:58.89. Truly amazing. Incidentally, this is a personal best for Ingrid Kristiansen.
David Coleman

We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waitz is 80 seconds behind
David Coleman

He's 31 this year. Last year he was 30
David Coleman

It's raining and the track is wet!
Murray Walker (Grand Prix)

It's obvious these Russian swimmers are determined to do well on American soil
Anita Lonsborough

And the line up for the final of the Women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.
David Coleman


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Believe It or Not , These Are Real 911 Calls!



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired
of it!



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.



My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!



And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.




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Rindercella and her Sugly Isters.

Try read ing this out loud without laughing,

If you can, you are devoid of laughter cells...

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes. The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards..

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in..

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!




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Little Johnny Was asked to Spell...


The teacher asked Little Johnny to spell "straight".

Little Johnny did so without any errors.

"Well done and what is the meaning of 'straight'" said the teacher?

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'without water in it".






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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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