Wednesday 3rd June 2020 - 20:58:18 

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How the World Works Lately…


If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.


If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.


If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
they blame the bartender.


If your grandchildren are brats with no manners,
you blame TV.


If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to blame Bill Gates


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Senior Couple Engagement


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are living in Florida and are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner"?

The Pharmacist answers, "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication"?

Pharmacist: "Of course we do".

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation"?

Pharmacist: "All kinds".

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism"?

Pharmacist: "Definitely".

Jacob: "How about suppositories"?

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's"?

Pharmacist: "Yes. a large variety; the works".

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease"?

Pharmacist: "Absolutely".

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion"?

Pharmacist: "We sure do".

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes"?

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes".

Jacob: "Adult diapers?

Pharmacist: "Sure".

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our Bridal Registry".



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A Lucky Las Vegas Gambler.


Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room.

The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him.

After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the stall door open!"


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The Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls.


We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in a very painful death.








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Who is Jack Schitt?


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE



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More Quickies


I dialed a number and got the following recording:

'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.'

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire...

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses..

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.

~~~~~



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Now this is what Some Would Call a Very Loving Wife.




A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner love? Chicken, beef or Lamb?

"He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied loudly, "Fuck you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."





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Life is Short……………..if It Needs to Be Paid, Get It Done Soonest Before Its Too Late!!


whahahahaha ......


An Indian, a Chinese and a Malay were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all of them died before they arrived.


Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Chinese, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present, asked him what happened.


"Well," said the Chinese, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Indian and the Malay and I were standing at the gates of heaven. An Angel approached us and said that we were too young to die, and that for a donation of RM 500, we could return to earth. So, of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the RM 500 and the next thing I knew I was back here."


"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors. "But what happened to the other two?"


"Last I saw them" replied the Chinese, "the Indian was bargaining over the price, and the Malay was waiting for the government to pay for his." _._,___




.



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Quick One for the Brits'


I went to a shop and asked the shop keeper "Do you sell net curtains?"

He said "No, sorry, they all include VAT"

I said "That's gross!"


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More Commentator Bloomers

Not many commentators have had a new word named after them. David Coleman was the inspiration for calling commentary gaffes - Colemanballs. The term was first used at the Montreal Olympics in 1976. While describing an 800m race David Coleman said:
And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.

That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record
David Coleman

A truly international field, no Britons involved.
David Coleman

For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2.
Ted Lowe (Snooker)

Steve is going for the pink ball - and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green.
Ted Lowe (Snooker)

Britain's last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki
Nigel Starmer-Smith

The Americans sowed the seed, and now they have reaped the whirlwind
Sebastian Coe

He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62.
David Coleman

Cram nailed his colours to the mast and threw down the Great Pretender
Ron Pickering

Mary Decker Slaney, the world greatest front runner, I shouldn't be surprised to see her at the front
Ron Pickering

She hasn't run faster than herself before
Zola Budd

Born in America. John returned to his native Japan
Mike Gratton

Ingrid Kristiansen then has smashed the world record, running the 5000 metres in 14:58.89. Truly amazing. Incidentally, this is a personal best for Ingrid Kristiansen.
David Coleman

We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waitz is 80 seconds behind
David Coleman

He's 31 this year. Last year he was 30
David Coleman

It's raining and the track is wet!
Murray Walker (Grand Prix)

It's obvious these Russian swimmers are determined to do well on American soil
Anita Lonsborough

And the line up for the final of the Women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.
David Coleman


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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