Wednesday 21st August 2019 - 13:56:18 

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Is your Dad Home?


A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?

"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?

"He went with Mum and Dad.."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."




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Breaking News: Man Killed on Golf Course




A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.

Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken GOLF lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.




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Interesting Definitions of It Job People’s Designations


1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine Women can deliver a baby in One month.

2. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single Woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4. Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.

5. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t Need a man or woman; They’ll produce a child with zero resources.

7. Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.

8. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

9. Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.


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Dead Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?


Wonder no more!


It is a known fact that the penguin is a ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow".
"Freeze a jolly good fellow".
"Freeze a jolly good fellow".


Then they all kick him in the ice hole.



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Nineteen Things I Have Learnt



1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.


3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”


4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.


5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.


7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.


8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.


9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.


10. Never lick a steak knife.


11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.


12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.


13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.


14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.


16. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.


17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.


18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.


19. Your friends love you anyway.



Courtesy of: http://www.hyndsite.com/sillythings/silly--thingsilearned.htm






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Love Story



I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu


Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!



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How the World Works Lately…


If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.


If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.


If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
they blame the bartender.


If your grandchildren are brats with no manners,
you blame TV.


If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to blame Bill Gates


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Senior Couple Engagement


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are living in Florida and are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner"?

The Pharmacist answers, "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication"?

Pharmacist: "Of course we do".

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation"?

Pharmacist: "All kinds".

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism"?

Pharmacist: "Definitely".

Jacob: "How about suppositories"?

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's"?

Pharmacist: "Yes. a large variety; the works".

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease"?

Pharmacist: "Absolutely".

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion"?

Pharmacist: "We sure do".

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes"?

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes".

Jacob: "Adult diapers?

Pharmacist: "Sure".

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our Bridal Registry".



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A Lucky Las Vegas Gambler.


Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room.

The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him.

After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the stall door open!"


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The Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls.


We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in a very painful death.








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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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