Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 02:49:41 

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Quotes and Humour from Groucho Marx


I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Now there's a man with an open mind遥ou can feel the breeze from here.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions葉he curtain was up.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. (Groucho should know, he was married three times)

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."



More about Groucho

Groucho grew up in a Jewish neighbourhood which had Irish-Germans on one side and Italians on the other. Hence 'The Marx Brothers' developed 'ethnic' accents, based on this background, as part of their comedy.


He walked with an extremely distinctive "chicken-walk" lope and sported an exaggerated moustache, a cigar and very bushy eyebrows. Groucho perfected the "wise-crack", quick repartee, which was sometimes amusingly insulting. In his later life he was frustrated by the fact that when he insulted someone they thought it was humour and part of his act when in reality he meant the slight.


Woody Allen thought him, "..the best comedian this country ever produced." Many people would agree. He died in 1977 at the age of 86.


The Marx Brothers
Chico - Leonard, 1887-1961
Harpo - Adolph, 1888-1964
Groucho - Julius Henry, 1890-1977
Gummo - Milton, 1892-1977
Zeppo - Herbert, 1901-1979 (There was also Manfred, but he did not survive childhood.)

The Marx Brother's Best Films
1930 - Animal Crackers
1931 - Monkey Business
1932 - Horse Feathers
1933 - Duck Soup
1935 - A Night at the Opera
1937 - A Day at the Races

And don't forget the Radio Show - Bet your life


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An Actual Craig's List Peronals Ad


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the blackBurberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet i nto the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in twothreatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issue s, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!


I probably don't have to ask you to forward this one.



Another one from: Howard



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Nick Griffin Again!


Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase,’ To be or not to be, that is the question’?" asked the teacher. Little Abdul at the front of the class called out.........'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."

'No thank you Miss. I am of Arabic origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.'

'Well okay,' said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Hassan also at the front yelled out..... "Martin Luther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"

"No thank you miss, I am of Pakistani origin and we also do not take time off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Hassan.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "Fucking Asians!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Nick Griffin!" yelled little Johnny, "See ya Tuesday!"




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Bobbitt Family Update


In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with....

?

?

?

?

?

A Misdewiener!



You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody!





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Is your Dad Home?


A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?

"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?

"He went with Mum and Dad.."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."




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Breaking News: Man Killed on Golf Course




A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.

Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken GOLF lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.




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Interesting Definitions of It Job People’s Designations


1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine Women can deliver a baby in One month.

2. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single Woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4. Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.

5. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t Need a man or woman; They’ll produce a child with zero resources.

7. Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.

8. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

9. Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.


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Dead Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?


Wonder no more!


It is a known fact that the penguin is a ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow".
"Freeze a jolly good fellow".
"Freeze a jolly good fellow".


Then they all kick him in the ice hole.



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Nineteen Things I Have Learnt



1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.


3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”


4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.


5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.


7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.


8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.


9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.


10. Never lick a steak knife.


11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.


12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.


13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.


14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.


16. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.


17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.


18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.


19. Your friends love you anyway.



Courtesy of: http://www.hyndsite.com/sillythings/silly--thingsilearned.htm






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Love Story



I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu


Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!



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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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