Thursday 13th December 2018 - 07:03:15 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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A Man Moves into a Nudist Colony.


He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.


The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.

It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short."

Love,


Grandma




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A Man and a Woman Were Having Drinks,,,




...when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better your ear or your finger?



Nicked from: Craigslist


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Birthday Wishes


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A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday. After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink. Then she left to pick up his favorite dessert from the local bakery.

When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in hand, prancing about the living room wearing her bra, panties and high heels.

"What the hell is going on!" she exclaimed.

Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said, "What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I wanted to eat, drink and........ be Mary."



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I Walked Past a Mental Hospital Today...


...all the patients were shouting '13! 13! 13!'

The fence was too high to see over, but i saw a little gap in the planks and peeked through to see what was going on.

Some fucker poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14! 14! 14!'




Another one from: Malcolm


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Quotes and Humour from Groucho Marx


I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Now there's a man with an open mind遥ou can feel the breeze from here.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions葉he curtain was up.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. (Groucho should know, he was married three times)

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."



More about Groucho

Groucho grew up in a Jewish neighbourhood which had Irish-Germans on one side and Italians on the other. Hence 'The Marx Brothers' developed 'ethnic' accents, based on this background, as part of their comedy.


He walked with an extremely distinctive "chicken-walk" lope and sported an exaggerated moustache, a cigar and very bushy eyebrows. Groucho perfected the "wise-crack", quick repartee, which was sometimes amusingly insulting. In his later life he was frustrated by the fact that when he insulted someone they thought it was humour and part of his act when in reality he meant the slight.


Woody Allen thought him, "..the best comedian this country ever produced." Many people would agree. He died in 1977 at the age of 86.


The Marx Brothers
Chico - Leonard, 1887-1961
Harpo - Adolph, 1888-1964
Groucho - Julius Henry, 1890-1977
Gummo - Milton, 1892-1977
Zeppo - Herbert, 1901-1979 (There was also Manfred, but he did not survive childhood.)

The Marx Brother's Best Films
1930 - Animal Crackers
1931 - Monkey Business
1932 - Horse Feathers
1933 - Duck Soup
1935 - A Night at the Opera
1937 - A Day at the Races

And don't forget the Radio Show - Bet your life


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An Actual Craig's List Peronals Ad


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the blackBurberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet i nto the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in twothreatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issue s, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!


I probably don't have to ask you to forward this one.



Another one from: Howard



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Nick Griffin Again!


Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase,’ To be or not to be, that is the question’?" asked the teacher. Little Abdul at the front of the class called out.........'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."

'No thank you Miss. I am of Arabic origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.'

'Well okay,' said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Hassan also at the front yelled out..... "Martin Luther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"

"No thank you miss, I am of Pakistani origin and we also do not take time off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Hassan.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "Fucking Asians!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Nick Griffin!" yelled little Johnny, "See ya Tuesday!"




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Bobbitt Family Update


In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with....

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A Misdewiener!



You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody!





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Is your Dad Home?


A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?

"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?

"He went with Mum and Dad.."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."




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Breaking News: Man Killed on Golf Course




A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.

Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken GOLF lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.




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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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