Friday 23rd August 2019 - 13:55:52 

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A Load of Blarney About the Irish Blarney Stone


The Blarney Stone itself is found in the village of the same, Blarney, County Cork, Ireland. Officially, its called the 'Stone of Eloquence'.

Anyone kissing the Blarney Stone magically acquires the gift of gab, eloquence or skill at flattery. However, for anyone wanting to kiss the 'Blarney Stone' this is not a trivial task. Kissing the Blarney Stone is a team effort. The kisser lays down and lowers his body backwards into the chasm whilst holding a support bar, and a friend sits on his legs to keep him anchored firmly to the floor.

In ancient times pilgrims were hung over the parapet by their feet and lowered so they could kiss the stone.

The word 'blarney' has entered common parlance meaning clever bluster, or coaxing someone to do what you want.



* Funny Blarney Story

A group of tourists were touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real moaner, always complaining. The bus seats were uncomfortable or the food was terrible; it was either too hot, or it's too cold; the accommodations was awful. Will and Guy are sure you know the score.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone in County Cork.

'Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone,' the guide said. 'Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.'

'We can't be here tomorrow,' the nasty curmudgeonly woman shouted. 'We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can' t kiss the stupid stone.'

'Well now,' the guide said patiently, 'it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune.'

'And I suppose you've kissed the stone?' the woman scoffed rudely.

'No, ma'am,' the frustrated guide said, 'but I have sat on it.'



courtesy of: http://www.guy-sports.com/months/funny_stones.htm#The_Blarney_Stone



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Necessary Gift for Christmas


The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.

"Now what about the butler" the rich woman said?

"A set of wine glasses" the maid suggested?

The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie".

The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl"?

The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron".

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband.

"I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam"? the maid replied.

"Of course", the woman replied.

"Then what about three more inches"? said the maid.


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The Giant Gorilla

There was once a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.

So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in his friend's sports car, driving right behind him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it”!


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The Grateful Painter


There was this world famous painter.

In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall"?

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist'".




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Learn from the Discovery Channel


An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure'?

'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little experiment coming along'?

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there', he replied.

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches'?

'No, it's turned black'.


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Getting Home - You Just Cannot Win


John arrives home from work, exhausted, at 5PM. As soon as he gets through the door, his wife Mary is having a go at him:

"Why don't you ever wipe your feet before walking into the house?
I thought you said you were coming home at lunchtime today!
Where's the shopping I asked you to get on the way home?
You left the toilet seat up again this morning!
Don't you ever think of buying me flowers like you used to"? (etc.)


This goes on for nearly two hours and nothing John says or does seems to be right by her. By 7 PM, he has had enough. But he knows better than to argue back, so he tries a more tactical approach.

"Darling," he says, "Please, let's start again. I'll go back outside and shut the door. Then I'll open the door and come in. We can then pretend I've just come home. What do you think"?

"OK", Mary replies.

So John puts on his coat, goes outside, shuts the door, waits a minute, opens the door, and steps in with a smile on his face. He immediately announces, in a musical tone, "Oh, darling, I'm home"!

"And just where have you been?" says Mary, "It's past seven o'clock"!


Courtesy of HAH - prostatepointers.org


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Old English Joke About a Hobo


The English hobo had been hopping on trains for three days.

Arrived at this quaint village and decided to stop for a bite.

Stopped in front of "GEORGE AND THE DRAGON", a pub that had just closed for the afternoon.

He knocked at the door and a barmaid opened.

"Luv, I've been on the road, have no money and haven't eaten for three days. Could you spare...."

"You useless bum!! GET LOST" and slammed the door in the hobo's face.

Undaunted, he knocks again and before the barmaid could say anything..

"I'd like a word with George, please".


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It Was a Miracle

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle".

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try". he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this".

"What" asks the priest, "what happened"?

"You gave birth to a child"!

"But that's impossible" says the priest!

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby".

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father".

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father"?

The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father".



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Random Thoughts from 25-35 Year Old People


- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.

- I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

- There is a great need for sarcasm font.

- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

- How the hel_l are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories.

- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem ...

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

- Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

- The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.


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Four Catholic Men and A...


...Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'".

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'".

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...."?

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God".



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