Monday 29th June 2020 - 13:12:13 

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The Efficiency Expert Concluded his Lecture With...

...a note of caution. 'You don't want to try these techniques at home'.

'Why not' asked someone from the back of the audience? 'I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years', the expert explained.

'She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once'?'

The voice from the back asked, 'Did it save time'?

The expert replied, 'Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.

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Beer- the Cure for Everything

A guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my penis is too small" he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem. It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow".

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness" asked the doc?

"No," replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager"!


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Memory Test for the Three Elderly Gentlemen

Three elderly gentlemen, Eddie, Jenkins and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test. It's a miracle they remembered the appointment!

Anyway, the doctor starts by asking "Eddie, what is five times five"?

"191", is Eddie's reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says, " Jenkins it's your turn, what is five times five"?

"Wednesday", replies Jenkins.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn. What's five times five"?

"Twenty five", says Martin.

"That's great Martin!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer"?

"Easy", says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday".


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A Load of Blarney About the Irish Blarney Stone

The Blarney Stone itself is found in the village of the same, Blarney, County Cork, Ireland. Officially, its called the 'Stone of Eloquence'.

Anyone kissing the Blarney Stone magically acquires the gift of gab, eloquence or skill at flattery. However, for anyone wanting to kiss the 'Blarney Stone' this is not a trivial task. Kissing the Blarney Stone is a team effort. The kisser lays down and lowers his body backwards into the chasm whilst holding a support bar, and a friend sits on his legs to keep him anchored firmly to the floor.

In ancient times pilgrims were hung over the parapet by their feet and lowered so they could kiss the stone.

The word 'blarney' has entered common parlance meaning clever bluster, or coaxing someone to do what you want.

* Funny Blarney Story

A group of tourists were touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real moaner, always complaining. The bus seats were uncomfortable or the food was terrible; it was either too hot, or it's too cold; the accommodations was awful. Will and Guy are sure you know the score.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone in County Cork.

'Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone,' the guide said. 'Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.'

'We can't be here tomorrow,' the nasty curmudgeonly woman shouted. 'We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can' t kiss the stupid stone.'

'Well now,' the guide said patiently, 'it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune.'

'And I suppose you've kissed the stone?' the woman scoffed rudely.

'No, ma'am,' the frustrated guide said, 'but I have sat on it.'

courtesy of:


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Necessary Gift for Christmas

The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.

"Now what about the butler" the rich woman said?

"A set of wine glasses" the maid suggested?

The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie".

The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl"?

The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron".

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband.

"I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam"? the maid replied.

"Of course", the woman replied.

"Then what about three more inches"? said the maid.

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The Giant Gorilla

There was once a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.

So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in his friend's sports car, driving right behind him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it”!

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The Grateful Painter

There was this world famous painter.

In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall"?

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist'".

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Learn from the Discovery Channel

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure'?

'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little experiment coming along'?

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there', he replied.

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches'?

'No, it's turned black'.

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Getting Home - You Just Cannot Win

John arrives home from work, exhausted, at 5PM. As soon as he gets through the door, his wife Mary is having a go at him:

"Why don't you ever wipe your feet before walking into the house?
I thought you said you were coming home at lunchtime today!
Where's the shopping I asked you to get on the way home?
You left the toilet seat up again this morning!
Don't you ever think of buying me flowers like you used to"? (etc.)

This goes on for nearly two hours and nothing John says or does seems to be right by her. By 7 PM, he has had enough. But he knows better than to argue back, so he tries a more tactical approach.

"Darling," he says, "Please, let's start again. I'll go back outside and shut the door. Then I'll open the door and come in. We can then pretend I've just come home. What do you think"?

"OK", Mary replies.

So John puts on his coat, goes outside, shuts the door, waits a minute, opens the door, and steps in with a smile on his face. He immediately announces, in a musical tone, "Oh, darling, I'm home"!

"And just where have you been?" says Mary, "It's past seven o'clock"!

Courtesy of HAH -

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Old English Joke About a Hobo

The English hobo had been hopping on trains for three days.

Arrived at this quaint village and decided to stop for a bite.

Stopped in front of "GEORGE AND THE DRAGON", a pub that had just closed for the afternoon.

He knocked at the door and a barmaid opened.

"Luv, I've been on the road, have no money and haven't eaten for three days. Could you spare...."

"You useless bum!! GET LOST" and slammed the door in the hobo's face.

Undaunted, he knocks again and before the barmaid could say anything..

"I'd like a word with George, please".

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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