Wednesday 11th December 2019 - 18:26:37 

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The Big Night


Michael is an out of work actor. He can't even get on the news. He goes to his agents office, begging for some work.

His agent says "okay Michael, I've got a bit part for you. It's in the Garrick Theatre, and it's a one liner I'm afraid."

Michael says this is fine, and discovers that his one line is: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar." So, for the rest of the week, when he's shaving, ironing, watching TV, he's saying his line, "Hark I hear the cannons roar, Hark I hear the cannons roar...".

It's the night before his big performance, and he goes out with his friends and gets totally inebriated,and passes out. He wakes up the following day, realises that he has 40 minutes until he's due on stage! So, he's in a fury. He showers as fast as he can, and runs as fast as he can to the theatre. When he gets to the back door, he starts drumming on it and it opens.

"Yes, who are you?"

"Well I'm Hark I hear the cannons roar"

"Holy shit, you'd better get through there pretty damn quick, your on stage in five minutes"!

So he runs up to make-up, throws on his costume and rubs makeup all over his face whilst running down to the side of the stage, but he's on the wrong side, so he sprints as fast as he can to the other side and he is literally thrown onto the stage when there's this sudden almighty bang.

Michael jumps back and screams "Oh my god what the fuck was that"?!


Nicked from Craigslist.org --> Rumpleforskin


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A Tip for Your Caddy?



It was a bitterly cold day on the Carnoustie golf course and Jimmy the caddy was expecting a large tip from his rich Scottish client. As they approached the clubhouse, Jimmy heard the words he was longing to hear, 'This is for a hot glass of whisky'.

So the caddy held out his hand and the Scottish client put a sugar cube in his palm.


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Lobster and the Crab Are in Love


Once upon a time a humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship, but one day Princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab any more.

'But why?' gasped the humble crab.

'Daddy says that crabs are too common,' sobbed the princess. 'You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways.'

Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness.
That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball and lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Princess Lobster, however, sat by her father's side inconsolable.

Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab. Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking dead straight, one claw after another. A silence gathered around the room. All the lobsters' eyes fell on the intruder.

Step by painful straight step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally Crab spoke up:

'F***, I'm pissed!'


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The Efficiency Expert Concluded his Lecture With...


...a note of caution. 'You don't want to try these techniques at home'.

'Why not' asked someone from the back of the audience? 'I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years', the expert explained.

'She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once'?'

The voice from the back asked, 'Did it save time'?

The expert replied, 'Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.



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Beer- the Cure for Everything



A guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my penis is too small" he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem. It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow".

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness" asked the doc?

"No," replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager"!


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Memory Test for the Three Elderly Gentlemen


Three elderly gentlemen, Eddie, Jenkins and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test. It's a miracle they remembered the appointment!

Anyway, the doctor starts by asking "Eddie, what is five times five"?

"191", is Eddie's reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says, " Jenkins it's your turn, what is five times five"?

"Wednesday", replies Jenkins.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn. What's five times five"?

"Twenty five", says Martin.

"That's great Martin!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer"?

"Easy", says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday".



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A Load of Blarney About the Irish Blarney Stone


The Blarney Stone itself is found in the village of the same, Blarney, County Cork, Ireland. Officially, its called the 'Stone of Eloquence'.

Anyone kissing the Blarney Stone magically acquires the gift of gab, eloquence or skill at flattery. However, for anyone wanting to kiss the 'Blarney Stone' this is not a trivial task. Kissing the Blarney Stone is a team effort. The kisser lays down and lowers his body backwards into the chasm whilst holding a support bar, and a friend sits on his legs to keep him anchored firmly to the floor.

In ancient times pilgrims were hung over the parapet by their feet and lowered so they could kiss the stone.

The word 'blarney' has entered common parlance meaning clever bluster, or coaxing someone to do what you want.



* Funny Blarney Story

A group of tourists were touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real moaner, always complaining. The bus seats were uncomfortable or the food was terrible; it was either too hot, or it's too cold; the accommodations was awful. Will and Guy are sure you know the score.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone in County Cork.

'Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone,' the guide said. 'Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.'

'We can't be here tomorrow,' the nasty curmudgeonly woman shouted. 'We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can' t kiss the stupid stone.'

'Well now,' the guide said patiently, 'it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune.'

'And I suppose you've kissed the stone?' the woman scoffed rudely.

'No, ma'am,' the frustrated guide said, 'but I have sat on it.'



courtesy of: http://www.guy-sports.com/months/funny_stones.htm#The_Blarney_Stone



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Necessary Gift for Christmas


The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.

"Now what about the butler" the rich woman said?

"A set of wine glasses" the maid suggested?

The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie".

The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl"?

The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron".

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband.

"I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam"? the maid replied.

"Of course", the woman replied.

"Then what about three more inches"? said the maid.


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The Giant Gorilla

There was once a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.

So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in his friend's sports car, driving right behind him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it”!


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The Grateful Painter


There was this world famous painter.

In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall"?

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist'".




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

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Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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