Tuesday 30th June 2020 - 10:48:15 

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The Prodigal Returns for Confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side".


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Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

...and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last long".

Many thanks from Claude


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Even More Bumper Stickers

* The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

* If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

* Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

* We are Google. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* Born free... taxed to death.

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.

* There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

* I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

* Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.

* Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

* I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

* If, a two letter word for futility

* I don't care, I don't have to.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

* Wink, I'll do the rest!

* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

* When there's a will, I want to be in it!

* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

* I love animals...they're delicious.

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

* Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

* Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

* A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.

* Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* I souport publik edekasion

* hoket on foniks werked fur me

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

* Support your local hooker- Play Rugby!

* Give Blood...Play Hockey!


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The Big Night

Michael is an out of work actor. He can't even get on the news. He goes to his agents office, begging for some work.

His agent says "okay Michael, I've got a bit part for you. It's in the Garrick Theatre, and it's a one liner I'm afraid."

Michael says this is fine, and discovers that his one line is: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar." So, for the rest of the week, when he's shaving, ironing, watching TV, he's saying his line, "Hark I hear the cannons roar, Hark I hear the cannons roar...".

It's the night before his big performance, and he goes out with his friends and gets totally inebriated,and passes out. He wakes up the following day, realises that he has 40 minutes until he's due on stage! So, he's in a fury. He showers as fast as he can, and runs as fast as he can to the theatre. When he gets to the back door, he starts drumming on it and it opens.

"Yes, who are you?"

"Well I'm Hark I hear the cannons roar"

"Holy shit, you'd better get through there pretty damn quick, your on stage in five minutes"!

So he runs up to make-up, throws on his costume and rubs makeup all over his face whilst running down to the side of the stage, but he's on the wrong side, so he sprints as fast as he can to the other side and he is literally thrown onto the stage when there's this sudden almighty bang.

Michael jumps back and screams "Oh my god what the fuck was that"?!

Nicked from Craigslist.org --> Rumpleforskin

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A Tip for Your Caddy?

It was a bitterly cold day on the Carnoustie golf course and Jimmy the caddy was expecting a large tip from his rich Scottish client. As they approached the clubhouse, Jimmy heard the words he was longing to hear, 'This is for a hot glass of whisky'.

So the caddy held out his hand and the Scottish client put a sugar cube in his palm.

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Lobster and the Crab Are in Love

Once upon a time a humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship, but one day Princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab any more.

'But why?' gasped the humble crab.

'Daddy says that crabs are too common,' sobbed the princess. 'You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways.'

Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness.
That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball and lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Princess Lobster, however, sat by her father's side inconsolable.

Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab. Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking dead straight, one claw after another. A silence gathered around the room. All the lobsters' eyes fell on the intruder.

Step by painful straight step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally Crab spoke up:

'F***, I'm pissed!'

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The Efficiency Expert Concluded his Lecture With...

...a note of caution. 'You don't want to try these techniques at home'.

'Why not' asked someone from the back of the audience? 'I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years', the expert explained.

'She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once'?'

The voice from the back asked, 'Did it save time'?

The expert replied, 'Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.

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Beer- the Cure for Everything

A guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my penis is too small" he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem. It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow".

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness" asked the doc?

"No," replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager"!


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Memory Test for the Three Elderly Gentlemen

Three elderly gentlemen, Eddie, Jenkins and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test. It's a miracle they remembered the appointment!

Anyway, the doctor starts by asking "Eddie, what is five times five"?

"191", is Eddie's reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says, " Jenkins it's your turn, what is five times five"?

"Wednesday", replies Jenkins.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn. What's five times five"?

"Twenty five", says Martin.

"That's great Martin!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer"?

"Easy", says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday".


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A Load of Blarney About the Irish Blarney Stone

The Blarney Stone itself is found in the village of the same, Blarney, County Cork, Ireland. Officially, its called the 'Stone of Eloquence'.

Anyone kissing the Blarney Stone magically acquires the gift of gab, eloquence or skill at flattery. However, for anyone wanting to kiss the 'Blarney Stone' this is not a trivial task. Kissing the Blarney Stone is a team effort. The kisser lays down and lowers his body backwards into the chasm whilst holding a support bar, and a friend sits on his legs to keep him anchored firmly to the floor.

In ancient times pilgrims were hung over the parapet by their feet and lowered so they could kiss the stone.

The word 'blarney' has entered common parlance meaning clever bluster, or coaxing someone to do what you want.

* Funny Blarney Story

A group of tourists were touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real moaner, always complaining. The bus seats were uncomfortable or the food was terrible; it was either too hot, or it's too cold; the accommodations was awful. Will and Guy are sure you know the score.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone in County Cork.

'Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone,' the guide said. 'Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.'

'We can't be here tomorrow,' the nasty curmudgeonly woman shouted. 'We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can' t kiss the stupid stone.'

'Well now,' the guide said patiently, 'it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune.'

'And I suppose you've kissed the stone?' the woman scoffed rudely.

'No, ma'am,' the frustrated guide said, 'but I have sat on it.'

courtesy of: http://www.guy-sports.com/months/funny_stones.htm#The_Blarney_Stone


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Old Jokes   139    140    141    142  143  144    145    146    147   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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