Tuesday 16th October 2018 - 02:50:33 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Security Levels Around The World


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re- categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and “Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.



Another one from: Howard


.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Back at School and the Joys of Education


Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!'

'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'

'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'

'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'

'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'

'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'

'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Headteacher!'





What the Experts Say:
1) Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes. Norman Douglas

2) Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it. Stephen Vizinczey

3) Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten. BF Skinner

4) If little else, the brain is an educational toy. Tom Robbins

5) America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. Evan Esar


Nicked from: http://www.guy-sports.com/



.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Marriage Quotations and Observations

  1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).

  2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

  3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master's.

  4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.

  5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

  6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

  7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

  8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

  9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
    Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

  10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
    Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

  11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

  12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

  13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

  14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
    They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

  15. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

  16. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe, Southeast Asia and the Philippines.

  17. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

  18. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

  19. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "y" becomes silent.

  20. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

  21. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

  22. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

  23. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL, MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE,
    THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE.
    WHAT HAPPENED? asked his friend. He says, MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

  24. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.

  25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?
    The other replied, YES, I AM, I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

  26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

  27. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

  28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received hundreds of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

  29. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife iS NEW !


  30. Marriage is like a deck of cards....................

    In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

    By the end..............

    you'll wish you had a fucking club and a spade.....





Another good one from: Claude



.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Prodigal Returns for Confession


An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side".




.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"


...and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last long".


Many thanks from Claude



.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Even More Bumper Stickers

* The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

* If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

* Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

* We are Google. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* Born free... taxed to death.

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.

* There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

* I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

* Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.

* Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

* I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

* If, a two letter word for futility

* I don't care, I don't have to.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

* Wink, I'll do the rest!

* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

* When there's a will, I want to be in it!

* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

* I love animals...they're delicious.

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

* Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

* Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

* A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.

* Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* I souport publik edekasion

* hoket on foniks werked fur me

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

* Support your local hooker- Play Rugby!

* Give Blood...Play Hockey!


.



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Big Night


Michael is an out of work actor. He can't even get on the news. He goes to his agents office, begging for some work.

His agent says "okay Michael, I've got a bit part for you. It's in the Garrick Theatre, and it's a one liner I'm afraid."

Michael says this is fine, and discovers that his one line is: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar." So, for the rest of the week, when he's shaving, ironing, watching TV, he's saying his line, "Hark I hear the cannons roar, Hark I hear the cannons roar...".

It's the night before his big performance, and he goes out with his friends and gets totally inebriated,and passes out. He wakes up the following day, realises that he has 40 minutes until he's due on stage! So, he's in a fury. He showers as fast as he can, and runs as fast as he can to the theatre. When he gets to the back door, he starts drumming on it and it opens.

"Yes, who are you?"

"Well I'm Hark I hear the cannons roar"

"Holy shit, you'd better get through there pretty damn quick, your on stage in five minutes"!

So he runs up to make-up, throws on his costume and rubs makeup all over his face whilst running down to the side of the stage, but he's on the wrong side, so he sprints as fast as he can to the other side and he is literally thrown onto the stage when there's this sudden almighty bang.

Michael jumps back and screams "Oh my god what the fuck was that"?!


Nicked from Craigslist.org --> Rumpleforskin


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Tip for Your Caddy?



It was a bitterly cold day on the Carnoustie golf course and Jimmy the caddy was expecting a large tip from his rich Scottish client. As they approached the clubhouse, Jimmy heard the words he was longing to hear, 'This is for a hot glass of whisky'.

So the caddy held out his hand and the Scottish client put a sugar cube in his palm.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Lobster and the Crab Are in Love


Once upon a time a humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship, but one day Princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab any more.

'But why?' gasped the humble crab.

'Daddy says that crabs are too common,' sobbed the princess. 'You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways.'

Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness.
That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball and lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Princess Lobster, however, sat by her father's side inconsolable.

Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab. Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking dead straight, one claw after another. A silence gathered around the room. All the lobsters' eyes fell on the intruder.

Step by painful straight step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally Crab spoke up:

'F***, I'm pissed!'


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Efficiency Expert Concluded his Lecture With...


...a note of caution. 'You don't want to try these techniques at home'.

'Why not' asked someone from the back of the audience? 'I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years', the expert explained.

'She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once'?'

The voice from the back asked, 'Did it save time'?

The expert replied, 'Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   140    141    142    143  144  145    146    147    148   Latest


This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 54.196.26.1 / 845,360Mb / 02:50:33 / 200 / No Errors