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Little Johnny Wanted a Watch Just Like his Friend Jimmy
Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of
lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."
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Usa States and Their Mottos
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: Jeez, it’s cold.
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don’t Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: Where one of your dad’s friends lives
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl – It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family – Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)
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There was this cowboy from Texas who decided to do a little traveling and when he got as far north as Kansas City he was feeling pretty horny so decided to stay a while.
That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill repute, so the cabbie took him to one that he knew well.
After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and on the way the girl commented on how tall the man was. The cowboy said everything from Texas was big. After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look she said I can see what you mean about everything from Texas being big.
"Yes ma'am," said the cowboy, "I mean everything."
After they had finished their business and were getting dressed the cowboy asked, "By the way ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"
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Security Levels Around The World
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re- categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and “Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Another one from: Howard
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Back at School and the Joys of Education
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!'
'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'
'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'
'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'
'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'
'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'
'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Headteacher!'
What the Experts Say:
1) Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes. Norman Douglas
2) Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it. Stephen Vizinczey
3) Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten. BF Skinner
4) If little else, the brain is an educational toy. Tom Robbins
5) America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. Evan Esar
Nicked from: http://www.guy-sports.com/
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Marriage Quotations and Observations
- Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).
- Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
- Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master's.
- Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.
- Married life is full of excitement and frustration: in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
- Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
- There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
- A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
- Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
- Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
- Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
- They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
- When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
- There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe, Southeast Asia and the Philippines.
- After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
- Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "y" becomes silent.
- I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
- A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL, MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE,
THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE.
WHAT HAPPENED? asked his friend. He says, MY WIFE FOUND OUT.
- WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
- At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?
The other replied, YES, I AM, I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.
- Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
- It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
- A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received hundreds of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
- When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife iS NEW !
Marriage is like a deck of cards....................
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end..............
you'll wish you had a fucking club and a spade.....
Another good one from: Claude
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The Prodigal Returns for Confession
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side".
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Ten Thoughts to PonderNumber 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2010
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
...and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last long".
Many thanks from Claude
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Even More Bumper Stickers* The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
* If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
* Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
* We are Google. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* Born free... taxed to death.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
* There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
* Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
* Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
* I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
* If, a two letter word for futility
* I don't care, I don't have to.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* Wink, I'll do the rest!
* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* When there's a will, I want to be in it!
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* I love animals...they're delicious.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
* Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
* Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
* A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
* Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* I souport publik edekasion
* hoket on foniks werked fur me
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
* Support your local hooker- Play Rugby!
* Give Blood...Play Hockey!
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The Big Night
Michael is an out of work actor. He can't even get on the news. He goes to his agents office, begging for some work.
His agent says "okay Michael, I've got a bit part for you. It's in the Garrick Theatre, and it's a one liner I'm afraid."
Michael says this is fine, and discovers that his one line is: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar." So, for the rest of the week, when he's shaving, ironing, watching TV, he's saying his line, "Hark I hear the cannons roar, Hark I hear the cannons roar...".
It's the night before his big performance, and he goes out with his friends and gets totally inebriated,and passes out. He wakes up the following day, realises that he has 40 minutes until he's due on stage! So, he's in a fury. He showers as fast as he can, and runs as fast as he can to the theatre. When he gets to the back door, he starts drumming on it and it opens.
"Yes, who are you?"
"Well I'm Hark I hear the cannons roar"
"Holy shit, you'd better get through there pretty damn quick, your on stage in five minutes"!
So he runs up to make-up, throws on his costume and rubs makeup all over his face whilst running down to the side of the stage, but he's on the wrong side, so he sprints as fast as he can to the other side and he is literally thrown onto the stage when there's this sudden almighty bang.
Michael jumps back and screams "Oh my god what the fuck was that"?!
Nicked from Craigslist.org --> Rumpleforskin
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