Thursday 5th November 2020 - 00:39:09 

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Cheesy Valentine’s Day Jokes


What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hog and kisses!
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What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?
A stupid cupid!
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Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine’s Day!
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Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
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What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
“I’m sweet on you!”
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What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
“I find you very attractive.”
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What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A hug and a quiche!
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What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?
Desperate!
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What did one pickle say to the other?
“You mean a great dill to me.”
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Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
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What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
“I love you a ton!”
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What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
“You’re fun to hang around with.”
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Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!
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What did the pencil say to the paper?
“I dot my i’s on you!”
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Liz: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Jon: “Really?”
Liz: “Yeah, you make me sick!”
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Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn’t suit his taste!
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Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because spleens would look pretty gross!
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Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart?
Because even Cupid can’t hit a target that small!
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Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!
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Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a great big kiss?
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What did one light bulb say to the other?
“I love you a whole watt!”
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True Friendship... "aussie Style"


(None of that Sissy Crap)

Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.


1 When you are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2 When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you every chance I get until you're NOT.

5..... When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until YOU STOP WHINING!

6... When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7... When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at you, you clumsy arse.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;

Because you are my friend.


Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.


Another one from Howard


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The Teacher asked for Big Words that Eat Things and End in ’tor’

 
The teacher asks the class to name big words that eat things and end in "TOR".

The first little boy said "Alligator".

The teacher replied "Very good that is a very clever example".

Tne second little boy said "Predator".

The teacher replied "Very good that is a very good example, well done".

Little Johnny says "Vibrator".

The teacher nearly fell off her chair and replied "That is a big word but it does not eat anything".

Little Johnny replied "Yes it does; my sister says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow".


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Who’s your Daddy - from Manchester Women

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way....

Who’s your Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Another one from: Jem


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Flight Tower Conversation at Dublin’s Main Runway


As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bejeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed,and there was smoke everywhere but, to the relief of all the passengers and; not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop a few metres from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure,

Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is"?



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Home Alone

A salesman goes up to a house on Schweitzer Mtn. and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little nine year-old boy named Ryjan who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other with a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman says: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

The Little boy replies: "What the f**k do you think?"




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A Message from God to the Atheist Professor


An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.

He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Huge 250-pound rugby player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.

The rugby player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"


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Russian Roulette Played in Africa

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."


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Colour Test - How Many Times Before You can Get It Right?


These are the things we're supposed to do to remove the cholesterol around our brain and try to slow up Alzheimer's Disease..

It took me 3 times before I could finally tell this brain of mine to concentrate. A great test, do it until you get 100%!

Bet you can't get 100% on the first try! But I'm rootin' for you.

This is pretty neat! See how you do with the colors! Have fun!

It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%.

Follow the directions!

It's harder than it seems, as it should be!

A brain waker-upper for today!

Click here to start




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Heart Attack



The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it"!

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz". Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name"?

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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