Wednesday 18th September 2019 - 10:24:00 

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More Tee Shirt Lines and Slogans


"Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"

"Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"

"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"

"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"

"Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"

"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"

"If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher"

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse...
.... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"


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Calm Down

Jane calls the doctor in a panic. "Doctor, doctor! My little Johnny swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do"?

The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen"?

The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death"!

The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Johnny crying"?

Jane says "No".

"Is he sleeping" asks the doctor?

"No" says Little Johnny's Mom.

The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny"?

Again Jane says "No".

"Did your Little Johnny throw up" asks the methodical doctor?

"No" says the Little Johnny's worried Mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin... shouldn't I do something"?

To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache".


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How Come?


What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?


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No Nursing Home for Me


About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc, all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".

She replied, "Yes, that's true".

I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meal s a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V., Broken Light bulb need changing, Need to have the mattress replaced, No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side – No charge.



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Cheesy Valentine’s Day Jokes


What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hog and kisses!
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What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?
A stupid cupid!
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Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine’s Day!
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Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
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What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
“I’m sweet on you!”
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What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
“I find you very attractive.”
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What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A hug and a quiche!
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What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?
Desperate!
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What did one pickle say to the other?
“You mean a great dill to me.”
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Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
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What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
“I love you a ton!”
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What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
“You’re fun to hang around with.”
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Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!
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What did the pencil say to the paper?
“I dot my i’s on you!”
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Liz: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Jon: “Really?”
Liz: “Yeah, you make me sick!”
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Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn’t suit his taste!
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Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because spleens would look pretty gross!
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Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart?
Because even Cupid can’t hit a target that small!
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Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!
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Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a great big kiss?
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What did one light bulb say to the other?
“I love you a whole watt!”
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True Friendship... "aussie Style"


(None of that Sissy Crap)

Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.


1 When you are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2 When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you every chance I get until you're NOT.

5..... When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until YOU STOP WHINING!

6... When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7... When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at you, you clumsy arse.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;

Because you are my friend.


Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.


Another one from Howard


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The Teacher asked for Big Words that Eat Things and End in ’tor’

 
The teacher asks the class to name big words that eat things and end in "TOR".

The first little boy said "Alligator".

The teacher replied "Very good that is a very clever example".

Tne second little boy said "Predator".

The teacher replied "Very good that is a very good example, well done".

Little Johnny says "Vibrator".

The teacher nearly fell off her chair and replied "That is a big word but it does not eat anything".

Little Johnny replied "Yes it does; my sister says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow".


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Who’s your Daddy - from Manchester Women

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way....

Who’s your Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Another one from: Jem


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Flight Tower Conversation at Dublin’s Main Runway


As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bejeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed,and there was smoke everywhere but, to the relief of all the passengers and; not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop a few metres from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure,

Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is"?



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Home Alone

A salesman goes up to a house on Schweitzer Mtn. and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little nine year-old boy named Ryjan who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other with a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman says: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

The Little boy replies: "What the f**k do you think?"




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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