Thursday 22nd August 2019 - 02:01:35 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


There Was Once this Cowboy...



...riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his cock sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing"?

The Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial".

The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it"?

The Indian looks down at his "3:35..."

"That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going. Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time.

The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40".

The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again. After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing"?

The Indian replies, "Me winding clock".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Story of a Challenged Senior



I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.


I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.


That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.


My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.


The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid outto use it and I got a little loud.


I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.


When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.


To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.


The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.


I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.



From: kath at HAH Digest

.

.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


More Political Speak and Some George Bushisms


Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
HL Mencken [Journalist and satirist]

-------------------------------------------------------------

In democracy everyone has the right to be represented, even the jerks.
Chris Patten [Former UK MP and Governor of Hong-Kong]

-------------------------------------------------------------

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.
Herbert Hoover [President USA 1929-1933]

-------------------------------------------------------------

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Robin Williams [Comedian and actor]

-------------------------------------------------------------

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
Marion Barry [Mayor Washington, DC]

-------------------------------------------------------------

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git."
Alexei Sayle [British comedian. actor and author]

-------------------------------------------------------------

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers [Comedian, social commentator, vaudeville actor]
-------------------------------------------------------------

The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End.
Cyril Smith [Former UK MP]

-------------------------------------------------------------

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
George W Bush [President USA]

-------------------------------------------------------------

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
George W Bush [President USA]

-------------------------------------------------------------


and here are the George Bushisms:


I think war is a dangerous place.

Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?

They misunderestimated me.

We must focus on building an Iran that is capable of resisting Iranian influence.

I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know.

Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.

The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself.

For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.

The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.

Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.

You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.

I understand small business growth. I was one.

Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's [Obstetrician/Gynaecologist] aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.

Will the highways on the internet become more few?

Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets.

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three - three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting.

And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony Blair] read it.

All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.

I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.


Nicked from: The BBC amd The Guardian newspaper.



.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


More Tee Shirt Lines and Slogans


"Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"

"Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"

"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"

"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"

"Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"

"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"

"If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher"

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse...
.... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"


.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Calm Down

Jane calls the doctor in a panic. "Doctor, doctor! My little Johnny swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do"?

The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen"?

The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death"!

The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Johnny crying"?

Jane says "No".

"Is he sleeping" asks the doctor?

"No" says Little Johnny's Mom.

The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny"?

Again Jane says "No".

"Did your Little Johnny throw up" asks the methodical doctor?

"No" says the Little Johnny's worried Mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin... shouldn't I do something"?

To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


How Come?


What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?


.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


No Nursing Home for Me


About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc, all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".

She replied, "Yes, that's true".

I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meal s a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V., Broken Light bulb need changing, Need to have the mattress replaced, No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side – No charge.



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Cheesy Valentine’s Day Jokes


What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hog and kisses!
—————————————————————-
What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?
A stupid cupid!
—————————————————————-
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine’s Day!
—————————————————————-
Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
—————————————————————-
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
“I’m sweet on you!”
—————————————————————-
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
“I find you very attractive.”
—————————————————————-
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A hug and a quiche!
—————————————————————-
What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?
Desperate!
—————————————————————-
What did one pickle say to the other?
“You mean a great dill to me.”
—————————————————————-
Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
—————————————————————-
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
“I love you a ton!”
—————————————————————-
What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
“You’re fun to hang around with.”
—————————————————————-
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!
—————————————————————-
What did the pencil say to the paper?
“I dot my i’s on you!”
—————————————————————-
Liz: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Jon: “Really?”
Liz: “Yeah, you make me sick!”
—————————————————————-
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn’t suit his taste!
—————————————————————-
Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because spleens would look pretty gross!
—————————————————————-
Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart?
Because even Cupid can’t hit a target that small!
—————————————————————-
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!
—————————————————————-
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a great big kiss?
—————————————————————-
What did one light bulb say to the other?
“I love you a whole watt!”
—————————————————————-
—————————————————————-


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


True Friendship... "aussie Style"


(None of that Sissy Crap)

Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.


1 When you are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2 When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you every chance I get until you're NOT.

5..... When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until YOU STOP WHINING!

6... When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7... When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at you, you clumsy arse.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;

Because you are my friend.


Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.


Another one from Howard


.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Teacher asked for Big Words that Eat Things and End in ’tor’

 
The teacher asks the class to name big words that eat things and end in "TOR".

The first little boy said "Alligator".

The teacher replied "Very good that is a very clever example".

Tne second little boy said "Predator".

The teacher replied "Very good that is a very good example, well done".

Little Johnny says "Vibrator".

The teacher nearly fell off her chair and replied "That is a big word but it does not eat anything".

Little Johnny replied "Yes it does; my sister says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow".


.




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   142    143    144    145  146  147    148    149    150   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 34.204.169.76 / 851,496Mb / 02:01:35 / 200 / No Errors