Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 15:05:06 

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The Cricket Match

Not sure if it was Murray Goodwin or Eddo Brandes, anyway a portly Zimbabwean bowler. He was a phlegmatic chicken farmer, who once had to break off a tour because Mugabe's goons were attacking the farm next door.

Playing against Australia, Brandes/or was it Goodwin was being sledged by Glenn McGrath, who had just hit 2 6s in a row. McGrath had yelled "why are you so fat?"

"Because," the bowler replied calmly, "every time I shag your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

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Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,

'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'

Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'

Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '

Man: 'So then what happened?'

Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '

Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'

Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '

Man: 'And then what.'

Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'

Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So then what did you do?'

Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'

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The Diet Recommended by the Doctor for the Blonde

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds".

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions"?

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day".

"From hunger, you mean" asked the doctor?

"No, from skipping".

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The Head Waiter

The head waiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in ragged, frayed and torn shorts, dirty t-shirt, worn sandals, long stringy dirty hair and a beard with flecks of long-ago food marched right towards him. The man said, "Yo,bucko, where's your crapper?"

The head waiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

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Are You an American?

Please complete the following simple test just to make sure you are not, in any way, AMERICAN!!!!

1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faithhealer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.

5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.

9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife.

10. There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?
(a) Let them get on with it but offer your advice if needed
(b) Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides
(c) Ignore all parties wishes and protests and take over the talks.

11. There are global concerns about the emissions from cars; do you:
(a) Introduce incentives to switch to cleaner cars
(b) Invent a new cleaner fuel
(c) Continue to use and invent dirtier cars, ignoring the global concerns about the emissions.

12. There is a war in another part of the world, do you:
(a) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and step in when necessary
(b) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and bring the culprits to justice
(c) Invade the country flattening all buildings, fire at all allied and enemy aeroplanes killing people no matter which side they're on after all, a kill is a kill.

13. Your city has been the victim of a terrorist attack, you should:
(a) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible
(b) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible and bring them to justice
(c) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible, but continue to support and fund terrorist activities abroad including the IRA.

14. You're on holiday abroad, do you:
(a) Enjoy the local culture and food
(b) Enjoy the local culture and food but look forward to getting home
(c) Complain and whinge that the country that you are visiting is nothing like home.

15. There is a popular coloured leader in your country. What do you do?
(a) Welcome him with open arms
(b) Listen to what he has to say
(c) Assassinate him.

If you answered mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then, congratulations, you are a normal well balanced individual. If you answered mostly (c)'s then sorry, you are an American.

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Relationships Before And After

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great ass. Here are the key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

1. Addictions

Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

2. Bodily functions

Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.

3. Relations/Friends

Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.

After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex

Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four times a day is not uncommon.

After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention span

Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.

Overall Evaluation

6. What She Thinks

Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships .....but she suspects that you're full of shit.

After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!

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Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds ryely, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

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The Mating Game

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

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Women's Lib.

A Report From the 2000 World Women's Liberation Conference The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker, a lady from Russia stood up and said, "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but my washing as well."

The crowd again cheered.

The third speaker, a Cajun lady from Thibodaux, Louisiana, stood up and said, "Afta last years' conference, I went rat home and tole dat lazy Coonass husband'a mine, Boudreaux, dat I wadn't gonna do no mo'a his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and dat he wuz gonna have to do it all fer hissef." The crowd got to their feet and roared approval. When it became quiet, she continued, "And I tole'em I wadn't gonna be doin' no mo cleanin' 'em nasty crawfeesh, giggin' no mo boolfrogs and water dawgs, skinnin' none'a dem musrats and nutrias or check'n no mo catfeesh trotlines."

The crowd went wild - the cheering and clapping lasted for at least five minutes. When it again became calm, she continued, "Afta the fust day, I didn't saw nuttin'. Afta the second day, I didn't saw nuttin' too. But afta the thud day, I could saw a little bit outta my left eye."

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All I Know About Computers I Learned From My Mum

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always, "Well, you asked for the presents, and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.

Mother also taught the IF...THEN...ELSE structure, "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes."

Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing, "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon."

Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.

Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.

Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations.

Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to remind herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.

Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle.

Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.

There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat.

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Old Jokes   11    12    13    14  15  16    17    18    19   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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