Monday 14th October 2019 - 12:23:35 

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Quotes from the Management


"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
-Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp.

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
-Lykes Lines Shipping

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
-Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
-Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
-Plant Manager, Delco Corporation

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
-R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3MCorp.

"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
-Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
-Shipping executive, FTD Florists

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
-Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division

"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
-CIO of Dell Computers

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
-Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
-New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "Pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
-Taco Bell Corporation



From: Lynne


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The Electric Arm Replacement

There was a man who had his arm shot off in a war. The doctors replaced it with an electric one, that performed whatever instructions he game it, simply by talking to it.

One day he went into a pub toilet. He said "Undo Zip
" so the arm undid his zip.

He said "Ready, aim, fire!" so he started to pee.

Then he saw a condom machine on the wall that was labelled as '£10 for 2!'

"RIP OFF!" he shouted.

His screams were heard throughout the bar..


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Good Driver

A man walks into a bar. He walk's up to the barman while spitting every few seconds, after everytime he spat he said "good driver!". He asks the barman for a pint while still spitting and saying "good driver", the barman gives the man his drink and asks if he does not mind him asking, what is with all the spitting and why does he keep saying good driver?

"You're going to have to stop, your putting the other customers off there drinks." The man appoligises, i'll tell you what happened.

I drive a mini and there's a space in your car park and I was going to try to park in, when along comes this big flash
corvette, ( the man spits again and says "good driver" ) well I thought no way are you going to get in there "spit, good driver", the driver of the corvette says you want to bet, so I said yeah sure why not!!!

If you get that car parked in there i'll give you a blowjob!

(spit, "good driver")

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Oh Dear! I'm Very Sorry

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead!"


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Once There Was a Beautiful Woman...

...who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers"!!!


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Paddy Takes the Irish Accountantancy Exam

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Paddy: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!


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I'm Cured!




A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."

The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here's his card, why don't you see him?"

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."

"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."

"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house."

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"

"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."


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There Was Once this Cowboy...



...riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his cock sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing"?

The Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial".

The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it"?

The Indian looks down at his "3:35..."

"That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going. Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time.

The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40".

The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again. After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing"?

The Indian replies, "Me winding clock".


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Story of a Challenged Senior



I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.


I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.


That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.


My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.


The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid outto use it and I got a little loud.


I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.


When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.


To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.


The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.


I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.



From: kath at HAH Digest

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More Political Speak and Some George Bushisms


Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
HL Mencken [Journalist and satirist]

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In democracy everyone has the right to be represented, even the jerks.
Chris Patten [Former UK MP and Governor of Hong-Kong]

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Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.
Herbert Hoover [President USA 1929-1933]

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You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Robin Williams [Comedian and actor]

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Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
Marion Barry [Mayor Washington, DC]

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Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git."
Alexei Sayle [British comedian. actor and author]

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I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers [Comedian, social commentator, vaudeville actor]
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The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End.
Cyril Smith [Former UK MP]

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A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
George W Bush [President USA]

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Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
George W Bush [President USA]

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and here are the George Bushisms:


I think war is a dangerous place.

Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?

They misunderestimated me.

We must focus on building an Iran that is capable of resisting Iranian influence.

I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know.

Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.

The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself.

For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.

The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.

Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.

You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.

I understand small business growth. I was one.

Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's [Obstetrician/Gynaecologist] aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.

Will the highways on the internet become more few?

Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets.

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three - three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting.

And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony Blair] read it.

All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.

I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.


Nicked from: The BBC amd The Guardian newspaper.



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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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