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There Were Two Canaries that Lived in a Cage


Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female.

After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage! "

The female canary replied, "No, thanks!"

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."

Again, she replied, "No, thanks!"

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated, "Well, could we at least talk? "

This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, 'Chirpies' and I hear it is untweetable."


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A Guaranteed Quick Get Rich Scheme

Caution: This is not for the clumsy.....

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?

Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!

Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.


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A New Kind of Car


Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car." his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years in prison."


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A Professon Lectures on the Evils of Marijuana


A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"

"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly.

"Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"


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The Two Old Maid Virgin Sisters


There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins.

It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"


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Computer Terminology


486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.


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Quotes from the Management


"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
-Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp.

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
-Lykes Lines Shipping

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
-Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
-Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
-Plant Manager, Delco Corporation

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
-R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3MCorp.

"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
-Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
-Shipping executive, FTD Florists

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
-Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division

"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
-CIO of Dell Computers

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
-Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
-New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "Pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
-Taco Bell Corporation



From: Lynne


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The Electric Arm Replacement

There was a man who had his arm shot off in a war. The doctors replaced it with an electric one, that performed whatever instructions he game it, simply by talking to it.

One day he went into a pub toilet. He said "Undo Zip
" so the arm undid his zip.

He said "Ready, aim, fire!" so he started to pee.

Then he saw a condom machine on the wall that was labelled as '£10 for 2!'

"RIP OFF!" he shouted.

His screams were heard throughout the bar..


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Good Driver

A man walks into a bar. He walk's up to the barman while spitting every few seconds, after everytime he spat he said "good driver!". He asks the barman for a pint while still spitting and saying "good driver", the barman gives the man his drink and asks if he does not mind him asking, what is with all the spitting and why does he keep saying good driver?

"You're going to have to stop, your putting the other customers off there drinks." The man appoligises, i'll tell you what happened.

I drive a mini and there's a space in your car park and I was going to try to park in, when along comes this big flash
corvette, ( the man spits again and says "good driver" ) well I thought no way are you going to get in there "spit, good driver", the driver of the corvette says you want to bet, so I said yeah sure why not!!!

If you get that car parked in there i'll give you a blowjob!

(spit, "good driver")

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Oh Dear! I'm Very Sorry

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead!"


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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