Monday 27th May 2019 - 20:02:59 

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You Got to Love this Police Officer!

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.

The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir?

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"


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At The Club



Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his privates. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his him.

"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"


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Job Interview with Three Remaining Candidates


A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: There is a man and a woman in bed, naked. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

Well, after the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer".

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".

The third one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it’s either Willie Turner or Willie Taylor".


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From the Mouth's of Babes

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too'.



As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them'.



Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged.
'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway'.



Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no' she screamed!
'Lizzie', scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior'.
With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you, No, thank you, No, thank you'!



On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place'?
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer'.



Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time', I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq'.
'Why' he asked? 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there'?



Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle'?
Blank stares.
'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton'.
An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing'?


Update: More from the Mouth's of Babes

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An Irishman's Life Philosophy


"In life, there are only two things to worry about,
Either you are well, or you are sick.


If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,
But if you are sick, you have two things to worry about;


Either you will live, or you will die.
If you live, there is nothing to worry about,
If you die, you have two things to worry about;


Either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
But if you go to hell,


You'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends,
You won't have time to worry




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Funny Tales About Safe Working Procedures and Protocols

1. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Boston, Massachusetts, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.



2. Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. 'Does anyone know,' I asked a few guys, 'what the speed limit is in our parking lot?'

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. 'That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?'




3. Safety Managers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief - Franz Kafka



4. What do you get if you put 100 Safety Managers in your basement? - A whine cellar



5. Two workmen were digging foundations when one of them started shouting and jumping about . The other one thought his partner had hit an underground power cable and was being electrocuted so following good health and safety practice used a shovel to separate him from the electricity.

Luckily for the first worker he wasn't getting an electric shock but was panicking after a wasp had flown up his trousers. Luckily he didn't get stung but the second worker hit him so hard with the shovel that his shoulder was dislocated.



6. A police 'safety officer' was visiting a primary school in a particularly rough area of Manchester, England.

'Why shouldn't you touch the oven door or the kettle?' he asked the assembled class.

A young girls hand shot into the air. 'Because you might leave fingerprints,' she answered.



7. A crowd gathered around at a woodworking trade show held at Fort Purbrook, Portsmouth and were watching a sales demonstration.

The demonstrator had an ordinary saw next to another which had a saw stopping safety device. He showed how each might work when it hit an operator's finger.

For simulation purposes he used a sausage as a substitute. Intrigued, a curious spectator stepped up for a closer look and was struck in the eye by a flying piece of debris.

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Always Check


With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go"! The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides".

"Why" asked the pilot?

"Because I'm a cameraman for CNN", he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots".

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor"?!


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The New Dress

A lady walked into the room to show hubby her new dress,
She was a rather large lady - around forty two in the chest.
The dress was cut really low - showed off her feminine shape,
Her husband's eyes almost popped - all he could do was gape!

"Where did you get that dress, my dear?" said hubby with a grin.
"There seems to be more of you out of it - than there is within.
You really look desirable, dear! It's the greatest dress by far!
You really look sexy, especially as your not wearing a bra!"

"How did you know that I had no bra?" she asked her loving spouse.
"Now don't you get me wrong my dear! That dress, it looks real grouse!
I can tell you have no bra on, dear, behind all that frill and lace,
I can tell real easy - 'cause all the wrinkles have gone from your face!"


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The Farmers Son in College



The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.

As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.

Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.

Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"


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How to Subtly Mention your Iphone when Picking Up a Girl in the Bar

Top iphone pick up lines:

Im no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock. Plus I have an iphone!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put u and iphone together.

Hey baby. iphone you tomorrow?

Hi. My friend over there bet you wouldnt let me google you on our first date. So what do you say? Ill buy you a drink. You can even google me back. My iphone battery is big and strong and fully charged up, so we could google all night.

Did you know my iphone is also a remote control? Lets go somewhere remote and you can have control.

Hi there angel. Did it hurt when you fell from heav- oh, sorry, Im getting a call on my new iphone. Oh, it was Saint Peter. He said have a great time on your trip to Earth, and dont worry about being good- they wont keep score up there while you are on leave.

I AM happy to see you but thats just an ipod in my pocket.

Hi there. Wanna use your fingers to enlarge my pixel size?

Is your dad a thief? Because if he is, Ill keep my new ipod hidden when you introduce him to me next Saturday.

I think I need to call Heaven- on my new iphone- because they lost one of their angels.

I forgot my phone number. Can I have yours? Ill store it in my new iphone.

Excuse me- Im new in town. Could you give me directions to your place? Let me just open up Google maps in my iphone.

How much does my new iphone weigh? Enough to break the ice. Can I enter in your phone number?

You know, inheriting 50 million dollars doesnt mean much when you have a weak heart, even if you have a four houses, two islands and a brand new iphone like this one.

Excuse me, did you just call me on my iphone? Then I guess it wasnt my phone that was vibrating in my pocket.


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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