Monday 17th December 2018 - 09:28:13 

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The Golfer and the Leprechaun

A man had just finished a putt and reached in the hole to get his ball, but pulled out a leprechaun!

"Sure, and ye have me," cried the leprechaun, and if ye let me go, for yer tribble, I'll give ye three wishes!"

"Thank you," said the man. "I don't really need anything, so I'll pass on the wishes." He let the leprechaun go, and went off to finish his game.

The leprechaun was dumbfounded. Who had ever heard of such a thing? He sat on a pebble and thought to himself "Such a man as that deserves three wishes!" I'll give 'em to 'im in spite of 'imself! Now what!!! Why money,of course! Everyone wants money. So, for his first wish he wants to be a Millionaire! And second-let's make him a great golfer! And last-ah! Let him have a wonderful sex life.

A month went by and the leprechaun spotted the man playing on the course again. He jumped out of a hole and yelled up to the man: "How ye be doing?"

The man smiled and said: "Hello, little friend. I be doing just fine."

The leprechaun smiled back and said: "And how's yer money situation, if ye don't mind my askin'?"

"It's funny you should ask," replied the man.

"An uncle of mine passed away and left me a fortune!"

"Hah! Is that so? And how's ya golf game now?"

"It's an amazing thing," said the man. "For the past few weeks I can't do worse than two under par!"

"Sure, and that's wonderful!" With a sly look, the leprechaun asked: "And how's yer sex life?"

The man, obviously embarrassed, looked away and coughed, "Well, it's fine. Two or three times a month. "The leprechaun was aghast.

"Two or three times a month? That's horrible!" The man looked up and said, "Actually, it's not bad for a priest in a small parish."


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The Dirty Professor

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:

"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"



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Actual Employee Evaluations

The following was taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this man to breed.

4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This man has delusions of adequacy.

9. He sets low personal standards and the consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.

11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

14. A room temperature I.Q.

15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.

16. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

19. Bright as Alaska in December.

20. One-celled organisms outscore him in I.Q. tests.

21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

22. Fell out of his family tree.

23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains isn't coming.

24. This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

25. He's so dense,light bends around him.

26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.

29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

31. One neuron short of a synapse.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.



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Questions & Answers

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your motherin-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a GSpot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Wellhung.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch


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The Cricket Match

Not sure if it was Murray Goodwin or Eddo Brandes, anyway a portly Zimbabwean bowler. He was a phlegmatic chicken farmer, who once had to break off a tour because Mugabe's goons were attacking the farm next door.

Playing against Australia, Brandes/or was it Goodwin was being sledged by Glenn McGrath, who had just hit 2 6s in a row. McGrath had yelled "why are you so fat?"

"Because," the bowler replied calmly, "every time I shag your wife, she gives me a biscuit."


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Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,

'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'

Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'

Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '

Man: 'So then what happened?'

Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '

Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'

Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '

Man: 'And then what.'

Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'

Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So then what did you do?'

Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'



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The Diet Recommended by the Doctor for the Blonde


A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds".

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions"?

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day".

"From hunger, you mean" asked the doctor?

"No, from skipping".


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The Head Waiter

The head waiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in ragged, frayed and torn shorts, dirty t-shirt, worn sandals, long stringy dirty hair and a beard with flecks of long-ago food marched right towards him. The man said, "Yo,bucko, where's your crapper?"

The head waiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."


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Are You an American?

Please complete the following simple test just to make sure you are not, in any way, AMERICAN!!!!


1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faithhealer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.

5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.

9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife.

10. There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?
(a) Let them get on with it but offer your advice if needed
(b) Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides
(c) Ignore all parties wishes and protests and take over the talks.

11. There are global concerns about the emissions from cars; do you:
(a) Introduce incentives to switch to cleaner cars
(b) Invent a new cleaner fuel
(c) Continue to use and invent dirtier cars, ignoring the global concerns about the emissions.

12. There is a war in another part of the world, do you:
(a) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and step in when necessary
(b) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and bring the culprits to justice
(c) Invade the country flattening all buildings, fire at all allied and enemy aeroplanes killing people no matter which side they're on after all, a kill is a kill.

13. Your city has been the victim of a terrorist attack, you should:
(a) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible
(b) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible and bring them to justice
(c) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible, but continue to support and fund terrorist activities abroad including the IRA.

14. You're on holiday abroad, do you:
(a) Enjoy the local culture and food
(b) Enjoy the local culture and food but look forward to getting home
(c) Complain and whinge that the country that you are visiting is nothing like home.

15. There is a popular coloured leader in your country. What do you do?
(a) Welcome him with open arms
(b) Listen to what he has to say
(c) Assassinate him.

Answers...
If you answered mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then, congratulations, you are a normal well balanced individual. If you answered mostly (c)'s then sorry, you are an American.


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Relationships Before And After

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great ass. Here are the key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

1. Addictions

Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

2. Bodily functions

Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.

3. Relations/Friends

Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.

After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex

Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four times a day is not uncommon.

After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention span

Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.

Overall Evaluation

6. What She Thinks

Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships .....but she suspects that you're full of shit.


After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!




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The idea is to die young as late as possible

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