Monday 19th August 2019 - 23:01:54 

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Red Skelton’s Recipe for a Perfect Marriage

  1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
    She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
  2. We also sleep in separate beds.
    Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
  3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
    So I suggested the kitchen.
  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
    She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
  7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
    I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
  8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
    Then the mud fell off.
  9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
    The driver said, "No, jump in!".
  10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
  12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
    I don't like to interrupt her.
  13. The last fight was my fault though.
    My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
    I said, "Dust!".


Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word.
 
It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words,
 
"And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.



Another good one from: Claude



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The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."


Another good one from: Howard




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A New Tax to Balance the Budget?


We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex.


Everyone would pay their fair share


Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.


The tax would also promote family values.
How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask,
"Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?"


Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand.


We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns.


Locker room conversations would change.
"Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!"


The forms would change a little also.
We would now have a 1040Quickee.


And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase,
"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal"



Courtesy of: www.wackywits.com


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Make Sure They Get your Name.

Ian arrived at a very popular restaurant and he was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess Ian asked, 'Will it be long?'

The hostess, seemingly ignoring Ian continued writing in her reservations book.

Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, Ian decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'

A short time later, Ian heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long......... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'


Courtesy of: http://www.guy-sports.com/



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Top 25 Sayings We’d Like to See on Those Inspitational Office Posters




- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.

- Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

- We put the "k" in "kwality."

- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

- A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

- Plagiarism saves time.

- If at first you don't succeed, try management.

- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

- Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

- The beatings will continue until morale improves.

- We waste time, so you don't have to.

- Hang in there--retirement is only thirty years away!

- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

- Indecision is the key to flexibility.

- Succeed in spite of management.

- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

- We waste more time by 9:30 in the morning than other companies do all day.

- You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

- Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.


Courtesy of: bob from HAH

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Stuck Caravan


link removed and awaiting a suitable replacement.


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Manure definition

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

The manure was shipped dried, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began of which, of course, a by product is Methane Gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and as soon as someone went below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction - 'Stow high in transit' on them, so that the sailors knew to stow it high enough above the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term -'S.H.I.T' -(Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is still in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a term that described the place you had to go through to get from Wales to Scotland.


Contribution from Jem


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The Seven Degrees of Blonde


FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 1200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."



SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"



THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"



FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK,what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."



FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"



SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "



SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house had been burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."


Another good one from: Phil



OK. Now email a friend who needs a laugh today!



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A Letter Home from Scout Camp...

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the roof. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy.. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.


Another contribution from: Howard


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Forty Gypsies Arrive at the Pearly Gates in Their Transit Vans and Caravans

Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying:

'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God replies 'We are over our quota on travellers. Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the bloody Gates...


Another contribution from: Howard

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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