Monday 27th May 2019 - 20:02:27 

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Corny Jokes About Farmers


Quickest Way?


Arnie, a young American, was on a short break holiday in Piddlehinton in the Dorset countryside. The next day he was going for a job interview in London but he needed to ask for directions, so he spoke to local farmhand, Martin. 'Yo, feller, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?'

Martin replied in a rich Dorset country accent, 'You driving or walking, lad?'
Arnie quickly replied, 'Driving.'

Martin, the farmhand nodded wisely, saying: 'Oooh aargh, that be certainly the quickest way'.




Calculating Farmer


There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, 'I am sorry but I have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.'

Ahmed replies, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'
'Can't do that,' burrs the farmer, 'I went out and spent it already.'

Ahmed sighs, 'OK just unload the donkey anyway.'
Farouk then asks, 'What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an' that?' I'll raffle him off,' laughs Ahmed.
The farmer exclaimed, 'Aargh, you can't raffle off a dead donkey.'

But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, 'Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead.'

A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks, 'Whatever happened to that dead donkey?'
Ahmed answers, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.'
Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'

'The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,' chuckled Ahmed, 'so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.'



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The New Baby Without a Father


For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The previous year he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."



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Red Skelton’s Recipe for a Perfect Marriage

  1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
    She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
  2. We also sleep in separate beds.
    Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
  3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
    So I suggested the kitchen.
  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
    She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
  7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
    I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
  8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
    Then the mud fell off.
  9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
    The driver said, "No, jump in!".
  10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
  12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
    I don't like to interrupt her.
  13. The last fight was my fault though.
    My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
    I said, "Dust!".


Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word.
 
It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words,
 
"And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.



Another good one from: Claude



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The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."


Another good one from: Howard




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A New Tax to Balance the Budget?


We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex.


Everyone would pay their fair share


Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.


The tax would also promote family values.
How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask,
"Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?"


Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand.


We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns.


Locker room conversations would change.
"Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!"


The forms would change a little also.
We would now have a 1040Quickee.


And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase,
"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal"



Courtesy of: www.wackywits.com


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Make Sure They Get your Name.

Ian arrived at a very popular restaurant and he was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess Ian asked, 'Will it be long?'

The hostess, seemingly ignoring Ian continued writing in her reservations book.

Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, Ian decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'

A short time later, Ian heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long......... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'


Courtesy of: http://www.guy-sports.com/



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Top 25 Sayings We’d Like to See on Those Inspitational Office Posters




- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.

- Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

- We put the "k" in "kwality."

- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

- A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

- Plagiarism saves time.

- If at first you don't succeed, try management.

- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

- Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

- The beatings will continue until morale improves.

- We waste time, so you don't have to.

- Hang in there--retirement is only thirty years away!

- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

- Indecision is the key to flexibility.

- Succeed in spite of management.

- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

- We waste more time by 9:30 in the morning than other companies do all day.

- You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

- Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.


Courtesy of: bob from HAH

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Stuck Caravan


link removed and awaiting a suitable replacement.


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Manure definition

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

The manure was shipped dried, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began of which, of course, a by product is Methane Gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and as soon as someone went below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction - 'Stow high in transit' on them, so that the sailors knew to stow it high enough above the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term -'S.H.I.T' -(Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is still in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a term that described the place you had to go through to get from Wales to Scotland.


Contribution from Jem


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The Seven Degrees of Blonde


FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 1200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."



SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"



THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"



FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK,what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."



FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"



SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "



SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house had been burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."


Another good one from: Phil



OK. Now email a friend who needs a laugh today!



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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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