The Fastest Joke Site on the Web
Content precedes design.
Design in the absence of content is not design, it's decoration.

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Susan’s Washing Machine Breaks Down So She Call a Repairman.


Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! I mean it. Don't talk to my parrot."

"When the repairman arrives at Susan's house the following day, he discovers the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lies there on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drives him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman can't contain himself any longer and yells: "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replies: "Get him, Spike!"



.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Mbb Aeronautic Development Engineer Told Me this Company Joke:


The MBB development engineers were very downtrodden with their last models always performing a nasty crash at the end of their test flights instead of staying in the air. Those models would sputter, start, take off, gain height, but then their wings would break off, and they would come eeeoooo down. Bang!

For a long time the engineers walked through the house with their ears hanging, and in low spirits. There was no other topic, even at the toilet they would discuss ballistics, angles, acceleration, resistance, and touch downs.

In their wild dispair they asked the toilet man what to do. He said: "Well, you might want to perforate the material exactly at the line where the wings used to break off."

The engineers would have grabbed at any straw, so they heeded the advice and put into practice what the toilet man had recommended. And you wouldn't believe it: The model air plane in the test flight stayed in the air, looped as expected and touched down safely.

Now the engineers were curious how a toilet man could have known the solution, and they asked him. Casually, he answered: "Aw, that was a no-brainer. Have you ever seen toilet paper break off where it is perforated"?



.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Politics Explained by a Father to his Son

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'




Contribution from: JustJoolz


.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Alternative Solution to Airport Full-body Scanners

Here's an alternative solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.


Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.


It would be a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling... this method would also eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed!


It’s brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.


An announcement comes over the PA system...


"Attention, passengers on standby, we now have a seat available on flight number 555"!





Another good one from: Howard
.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Mozart Beyond the Grave


When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.


Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.


When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."


He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."


So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."


Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."




.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Corny Jokes About Farmers


Quickest Way?


Arnie, a young American, was on a short break holiday in Piddlehinton in the Dorset countryside. The next day he was going for a job interview in London but he needed to ask for directions, so he spoke to local farmhand, Martin. 'Yo, feller, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?'

Martin replied in a rich Dorset country accent, 'You driving or walking, lad?'
Arnie quickly replied, 'Driving.'

Martin, the farmhand nodded wisely, saying: 'Oooh aargh, that be certainly the quickest way'.




Calculating Farmer


There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, 'I am sorry but I have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.'

Ahmed replies, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'
'Can't do that,' burrs the farmer, 'I went out and spent it already.'

Ahmed sighs, 'OK just unload the donkey anyway.'
Farouk then asks, 'What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an' that?' I'll raffle him off,' laughs Ahmed.
The farmer exclaimed, 'Aargh, you can't raffle off a dead donkey.'

But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, 'Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead.'

A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks, 'Whatever happened to that dead donkey?'
Ahmed answers, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.'
Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'

'The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,' chuckled Ahmed, 'so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.'



.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The New Baby Without a Father


For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The previous year he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."



.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Red Skelton’s Recipe for a Perfect Marriage

  1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
    She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
  2. We also sleep in separate beds.
    Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
  3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
    So I suggested the kitchen.
  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
    She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
  7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
    I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
  8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
    Then the mud fell off.
  9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
    The driver said, "No, jump in!".
  10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
  12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
    I don't like to interrupt her.
  13. The last fight was my fault though.
    My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
    I said, "Dust!".


Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word.
 
It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words,
 
"And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.



Another good one from: Claude



.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."


Another good one from: Howard




.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A New Tax to Balance the Budget?


We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex.


Everyone would pay their fair share


Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.


The tax would also promote family values.
How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask,
"Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?"


Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand.


We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns.


Locker room conversations would change.
"Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!"


The forms would change a little also.
We would now have a 1040Quickee.


And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase,
"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal"



Courtesy of: www.wackywits.com


.
.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   148    149    150    151  152  153    154    155    156   Latest


This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯



The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.8  Debug: 54.159.85.193 / 832,152Mb / 16:36:41 / 200 / No Errors