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The Pope and Tiger Woods Both Die on the Same Day And...
...because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hel_l and Tiger Woods went to heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hel_l, and after checking the paperwork the clerk admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and hel_l's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods,
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."
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Quotes from Mark TwainIf voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
History does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.
If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."
Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.
There ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
Whiskey is for drinking. Water is for fighting over.
A Century Later, Los Angeles Atones for ...
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Every generalization is false, including this one.
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read.
In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
A classic is something that everybody praises and nobody has read.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
America is built on a tilt and everything loose slides to California.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
Truth is more often stranger than fiction.
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so.
I have found solace in profanity unexcelled even by prayer.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
America is a nation without a distinct criminal class with the possible exception of Congress.
Tomorrow is the yesterday of two days from now.
In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man; brave, hated, and scorned. When his cause succeeds, however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.
Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute and cannot unite -- but they all worship money.
The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell, together, as quickly as possible.
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.
I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.
The citizen who sees his society's democratic clothes being worn out and does not cry out is not a patriot but a traitor.
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
He is a stranger to me, but he is a most remarkable man -- and I am the other one. Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known, and I know the rest. On Kipling.
It does look as if Massachusetts were in a fair way to embarrass me with kindnesses this year. In the first place, a Massachusetts judge has just decided in open court that a Boston publisher may sell, not only his own property in a free and unfettered way, but also may as freely sell property which does not belong to him but to me; property which he has not bought and which I have not sold. Under this ruling I am now advertising that judge's homestead for sale, and, if I make as good a sum out of it as I expect, I shall go on and sell out the rest of his property.
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
There is something worse than ignorance, and that's knowing what ain't so.
If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.
If you would have your fiction live forever, you must neither overtly preach nor overtly teach; but you must *covertly* preach and *covertly* teach.
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. California
Land of religions, cradle of human race, birthplace of human speech, grandmother of legend, great grandmother of tradition. The land that all men desire to see and having seen once even by a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for the shows of the rest of the globe combined. On India.
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjectureout of such a trifling investment of fact. Estimate of the total annual deposition of silt by the Mississsippi R.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times
They did not know it was impossible, so they did it!
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
The loud little handful will shout for war. The pulpit will warily and cautiously protest at first…The great mass of the nation will rub its sleepy eyes, and will try to make out why there should be a war, and they will say earnestly and indignantly: "It is unjust and dishonorable and there is no need for war." Then the few will shout even louder…Before long you will see a curious thing: anti-war speakers will be stoned from the platform, and free speech will be strangled by hordes of furious men who still agree with the speakers but dare not admit it ... Next, statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Never let your schoolin' interfere with your education.
It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig.
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Susan’s Washing Machine Breaks Down So She Call a Repairman.
Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! I mean it. Don't talk to my parrot."
"When the repairman arrives at Susan's house the following day, he discovers the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lies there on the carpet watching him go about his work.
The parrot, however, drives him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman can't contain himself any longer and yells: "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replies: "Get him, Spike!"
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A Mbb Aeronautic Development Engineer Told Me this Company Joke:
The MBB development engineers were very downtrodden with their last models always performing a nasty crash at the end of their test flights instead of staying in the air. Those models would sputter, start, take off, gain height, but then their wings would break off, and they would come eeeoooo down. Bang!
For a long time the engineers walked through the house with their ears hanging, and in low spirits. There was no other topic, even at the toilet they would discuss ballistics, angles, acceleration, resistance, and touch downs.
In their wild dispair they asked the toilet man what to do. He said: "Well, you might want to perforate the material exactly at the line where the wings used to break off."
The engineers would have grabbed at any straw, so they heeded the advice and put into practice what the toilet man had recommended. And you wouldn't believe it: The model air plane in the test flight stayed in the air, looped as expected and touched down safely.
Now the engineers were curious how a toilet man could have known the solution, and they asked him. Casually, he answered: "Aw, that was a no-brainer. Have you ever seen toilet paper break off where it is perforated"?
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Politics Explained by a Father to his SonWhether Conservative, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
Contribution from: JustJoolz
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Alternative Solution to Airport Full-body ScannersHere's an alternative solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling... this method would also eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed!
It’s brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
An announcement comes over the PA system...
"Attention, passengers on standby, we now have a seat available on flight number 555"!
Another good one from: Howard
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Mozart Beyond the Grave
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
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Corny Jokes About Farmers
Arnie, a young American, was on a short break holiday in Piddlehinton in the Dorset countryside. The next day he was going for a job interview in London but he needed to ask for directions, so he spoke to local farmhand, Martin. 'Yo, feller, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?'
Martin replied in a rich Dorset country accent, 'You driving or walking, lad?'
Arnie quickly replied, 'Driving.'
Martin, the farmhand nodded wisely, saying: 'Oooh aargh, that be certainly the quickest way'.
There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, 'I am sorry but I have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.'
Ahmed replies, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'
'Can't do that,' burrs the farmer, 'I went out and spent it already.'
Ahmed sighs, 'OK just unload the donkey anyway.'
Farouk then asks, 'What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an' that?' I'll raffle him off,' laughs Ahmed.
The farmer exclaimed, 'Aargh, you can't raffle off a dead donkey.'
But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, 'Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead.'
A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks, 'Whatever happened to that dead donkey?'
Ahmed answers, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.'
Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'
'The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,' chuckled Ahmed, 'so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.'
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The New Baby Without a Father
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The previous year he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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Red Skelton’s Recipe for a Perfect Marriage
- Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
- We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
- She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
- My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
- She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
- She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!".
- Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
- The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word.
It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words,
"And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.
Another good one from: Claude
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