Thursday 29th October 2020 - 01:23:09 

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A Big Boy Like You Shouldn’t Be Crying

Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything.

His Mama asked him what the problem was.

"Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line
busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that.

You should have laughed".

"That's what I did, Mama".

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Letter to the Grim Reaper

Dear Grim Reaper,

In the last year, you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favourite politician is Gordon Brown.

Thank you!


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I Took My Old Dad Shopping...

I took my old dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and f**ked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Another one from: Howard


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Politically Incorrect

Definintion: **PI** - Politically Incorrect

A [ **PI** countryman goes here ] dies and goes to Heaven. .....

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the guy from the [ the **PI** country ].

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here".

Another one from: Howard

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The Pope and Tiger Woods Both Die on the Same Day And...

...because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hel_l and Tiger Woods went to heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hel_l, and after checking the paperwork the clerk admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and hel_l's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."


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Quotes from Mark Twain

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

History does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.

If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."

Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.

There ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Whiskey is for drinking. Water is for fighting over.
A Century Later, Los Angeles Atones for ...

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Every generalization is false, including this one.

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read.

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

A classic is something that everybody praises and nobody has read.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.

America is built on a tilt and everything loose slides to California.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Truth is more often stranger than fiction.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so.

I have found solace in profanity unexcelled even by prayer.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

America is a nation without a distinct criminal class with the possible exception of Congress.

Tomorrow is the yesterday of two days from now.

In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man; brave, hated, and scorned. When his cause succeeds, however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.

Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute and cannot unite -- but they all worship money.

The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell, together, as quickly as possible.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.

I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.

The citizen who sees his society's democratic clothes being worn out and does not cry out is not a patriot but a traitor.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

He is a stranger to me, but he is a most remarkable man -- and I am the other one. Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known, and I know the rest. On Kipling.

It does look as if Massachusetts were in a fair way to embarrass me with kindnesses this year. In the first place, a Massachusetts judge has just decided in open court that a Boston publisher may sell, not only his own property in a free and unfettered way, but also may as freely sell property which does not belong to him but to me; property which he has not bought and which I have not sold. Under this ruling I am now advertising that judge's homestead for sale, and, if I make as good a sum out of it as I expect, I shall go on and sell out the rest of his property.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.

There is something worse than ignorance, and that's knowing what ain't so.

If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.

If you would have your fiction live forever, you must neither overtly preach nor overtly teach; but you must *covertly* preach and *covertly* teach.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. California

Land of religions, cradle of human race, birthplace of human speech, grandmother of legend, great grandmother of tradition. The land that all men desire to see and having seen once even by a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for the shows of the rest of the globe combined. On India.

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjectureout of such a trifling investment of fact. Estimate of the total annual deposition of silt by the Mississsippi R.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times

They did not know it was impossible, so they did it!

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

The loud little handful will shout for war. The pulpit will warily and cautiously protest at first…The great mass of the nation will rub its sleepy eyes, and will try to make out why there should be a war, and they will say earnestly and indignantly: "It is unjust and dishonorable and there is no need for war." Then the few will shout even louder…Before long you will see a curious thing: anti-war speakers will be stoned from the platform, and free speech will be strangled by hordes of furious men who still agree with the speakers but dare not admit it ... Next, statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

Never let your schoolin' interfere with your education.

It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig.


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Susan’s Washing Machine Breaks Down So She Call a Repairman.

Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! I mean it. Don't talk to my parrot."

"When the repairman arrives at Susan's house the following day, he discovers the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lies there on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drives him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman can't contain himself any longer and yells: "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replies: "Get him, Spike!"


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A Mbb Aeronautic Development Engineer Told Me this Company Joke:

The MBB development engineers were very downtrodden with their last models always performing a nasty crash at the end of their test flights instead of staying in the air. Those models would sputter, start, take off, gain height, but then their wings would break off, and they would come eeeoooo down. Bang!

For a long time the engineers walked through the house with their ears hanging, and in low spirits. There was no other topic, even at the toilet they would discuss ballistics, angles, acceleration, resistance, and touch downs.

In their wild dispair they asked the toilet man what to do. He said: "Well, you might want to perforate the material exactly at the line where the wings used to break off."

The engineers would have grabbed at any straw, so they heeded the advice and put into practice what the toilet man had recommended. And you wouldn't believe it: The model air plane in the test flight stayed in the air, looped as expected and touched down safely.

Now the engineers were curious how a toilet man could have known the solution, and they asked him. Casually, he answered: "Aw, that was a no-brainer. Have you ever seen toilet paper break off where it is perforated"?


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Politics Explained by a Father to his Son

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Contribution from: JustJoolz


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Alternative Solution to Airport Full-body Scanners

Here's an alternative solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling... this method would also eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed!

It’s brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

An announcement comes over the PA system...

"Attention, passengers on standby, we now have a seat available on flight number 555"!

Another good one from: Howard

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Old Jokes   148    149    150    151  152  153    154    155    156   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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