Monday 17th December 2018 - 10:17:23 

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How Not to Post a Newpaper Advertisement for a Sewing Machine.

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.


MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.


TUESDAY Notice:
We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read
"One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M".


WEDNESDAY Notice:
R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows:
"For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him".


THURSDAY Notice:
I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.
I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!





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A Modest Essay


Essay: in order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?



I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.




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A Mother Buys a Present for her Son


After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son.

She brought her selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge", the clerk asked?

"Cash", she snapped.

Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am way past sane"!!

"Shall I gift -wrap the bat" the clerk asked sweetly, "or or you going back there"?




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One Day in the Garden of Eden ...


...Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem"!

"What's the problem, Eve"?

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy".

"Why is that, Eve" came the reply from above?

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples".

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you".

"What's a 'man', Lord"?

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack".

"Sounds great", says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition".

"What's that, Lord"?

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first".



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A Big Boy Like You Shouldn’t Be Crying


Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything.

His Mama asked him what the problem was.

"Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line
busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that.

You should have laughed".

"That's what I did, Mama".


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Letter to the Grim Reaper

Dear Grim Reaper,

In the last year, you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favourite politician is Gordon Brown.

Thank you!




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I Took My Old Dad Shopping...

I took my old dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and f**ked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”



Another one from: Howard



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Politically Incorrect


Definintion: **PI** - Politically Incorrect


A [ **PI** countryman goes here ] dies and goes to Heaven. .....

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the guy from the [ the **PI** country ].

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here".



Another one from: Howard


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The Pope and Tiger Woods Both Die on the Same Day And...


...because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hel_l and Tiger Woods went to heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hel_l, and after checking the paperwork the clerk admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and hel_l's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."


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Quotes from Mark Twain

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.


History does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.


If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.


Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.


"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."


Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.


There ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.


All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.


Whiskey is for drinking. Water is for fighting over.
A Century Later, Los Angeles Atones for ...


Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.


Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.


Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.


A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.


Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.


Every generalization is false, including this one.


Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read.


In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination.


Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.


A classic is something that everybody praises and nobody has read.


It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.


America is built on a tilt and everything loose slides to California.


You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.


Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.


Truth is more often stranger than fiction.


A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.


What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so.


I have found solace in profanity unexcelled even by prayer.


I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.


America is a nation without a distinct criminal class with the possible exception of Congress.


Tomorrow is the yesterday of two days from now.


In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man; brave, hated, and scorned. When his cause succeeds, however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.


Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute and cannot unite -- but they all worship money.


The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell, together, as quickly as possible.


The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.


I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices.


Wagner's music is better than it sounds.


Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.


Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.


The citizen who sees his society's democratic clothes being worn out and does not cry out is not a patriot but a traitor.


I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.


France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.


I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.


Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.


He is a stranger to me, but he is a most remarkable man -- and I am the other one. Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known, and I know the rest. On Kipling.


It does look as if Massachusetts were in a fair way to embarrass me with kindnesses this year. In the first place, a Massachusetts judge has just decided in open court that a Boston publisher may sell, not only his own property in a free and unfettered way, but also may as freely sell property which does not belong to him but to me; property which he has not bought and which I have not sold. Under this ruling I am now advertising that judge's homestead for sale, and, if I make as good a sum out of it as I expect, I shall go on and sell out the rest of his property.


Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.


It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.


Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.


There is something worse than ignorance, and that's knowing what ain't so.


If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.


If you would have your fiction live forever, you must neither overtly preach nor overtly teach; but you must *covertly* preach and *covertly* teach.


Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.


The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. California


Land of religions, cradle of human race, birthplace of human speech, grandmother of legend, great grandmother of tradition. The land that all men desire to see and having seen once even by a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for the shows of the rest of the globe combined. On India.


There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjectureout of such a trifling investment of fact. Estimate of the total annual deposition of silt by the Mississsippi R.


The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.


Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times

They did not know it was impossible, so they did it!


Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.


I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.


Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.


When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.


The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.


Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.


The loud little handful will shout for war. The pulpit will warily and cautiously protest at first…The great mass of the nation will rub its sleepy eyes, and will try to make out why there should be a war, and they will say earnestly and indignantly: "It is unjust and dishonorable and there is no need for war." Then the few will shout even louder…Before long you will see a curious thing: anti-war speakers will be stoned from the platform, and free speech will be strangled by hordes of furious men who still agree with the speakers but dare not admit it ... Next, statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception.


It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.


Never let your schoolin' interfere with your education.


It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig.




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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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