Thursday 17th October 2019 - 03:23:25 

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How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?



You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
A: Unique Up On It.



2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
A: Tame Way.



3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
A: They Take The Psychopath



4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
A: You Boil The Hell Out Of It



5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
A: Dam!



6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
A: Polaroids



7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A: A Stick



8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.



9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.



10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
A: Quatro Cinco.



11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
A: Spoiled Milk.



12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
A: Frostbite.




13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A: A Nervous Wreck.




14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
A: Anyone Can Roast Beef ....




15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
A: Right Where You Left Him.




16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A: Because They Have Big Fingers.




17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A: Because It Scares The Dog.




18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
A: Sanka.




19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
A: The Location Of The Dirt Bag.




20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
A: Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.





21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A: A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.




22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
A: Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.




Now, admit it... at least one of these made you smile.





Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.




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The Two Brothers


Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors,and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother, he died before me but I have not seen him here in heaven"?

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere".

"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again".

"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell".

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad"?

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it.

The blonde doesn't...



Contribution from: Matilda


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Things I Learned in the South..........


A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

Jaw-P? means "Did yall go to the bathroom?"

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You dont PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

No, Jew? is a common response to the question, "Did you bring any beer? "

You measure distance in minutes.

You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You know what a DAWG is.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.

You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin or off to Wally World.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather. ------OH! YEAH ! ! ! !

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.




Courtesy of: Carl from prostatepointers.org email digest
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How Not to Post a Newpaper Advertisement for a Sewing Machine.

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.


MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.


TUESDAY Notice:
We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read
"One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M".


WEDNESDAY Notice:
R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows:
"For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him".


THURSDAY Notice:
I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.
I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!





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A Modest Essay


Essay: in order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?



I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.




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A Mother Buys a Present for her Son


After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son.

She brought her selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge", the clerk asked?

"Cash", she snapped.

Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am way past sane"!!

"Shall I gift -wrap the bat" the clerk asked sweetly, "or or you going back there"?




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One Day in the Garden of Eden ...


...Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem"!

"What's the problem, Eve"?

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy".

"Why is that, Eve" came the reply from above?

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples".

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you".

"What's a 'man', Lord"?

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack".

"Sounds great", says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition".

"What's that, Lord"?

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first".



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A Big Boy Like You Shouldn’t Be Crying


Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything.

His Mama asked him what the problem was.

"Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line
busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that.

You should have laughed".

"That's what I did, Mama".


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Letter to the Grim Reaper

Dear Grim Reaper,

In the last year, you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favourite politician is Gordon Brown.

Thank you!




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I Took My Old Dad Shopping...

I took my old dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and f**ked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”



Another one from: Howard



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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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