Monday 22nd October 2018 - 16:33:09 

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How to Help a Lesbian Have a Baby


One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children. She said that the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation was that she might never be a mother.

She's a good looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out, purely altruistically, of course.

She shot me a death ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.

"No problem", I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you".




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Now You Know Why

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.

It works like this:

It is a well-known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move.

After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:" Why is it so quiet??

OMG!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except Fellow time travellers) have been able or willing to understand the sound Scientific basis of this phenomenon.

Forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.


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The Doctors Attitude to Rudd’s Proposed Health Care Legislation


The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the new Rudd healthcare proposals.


The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.


The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.


The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.


Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted.


Pathologists yelled; "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"


The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it.


Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."


The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.


The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.


In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to all the arseholes inCanberra.




Contributed by: Howard



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Job Interview for Lion Tamers in a Circus

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.


The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first"?

The girl says, "I'll go first". She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life". He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that"?

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there".



Contribution from: Matilda

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How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?



You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
A: Unique Up On It.



2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
A: Tame Way.



3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
A: They Take The Psychopath



4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
A: You Boil The Hell Out Of It



5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
A: Dam!



6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
A: Polaroids



7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A: A Stick



8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.



9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.



10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
A: Quatro Cinco.



11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
A: Spoiled Milk.



12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
A: Frostbite.




13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A: A Nervous Wreck.




14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
A: Anyone Can Roast Beef ....




15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
A: Right Where You Left Him.




16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A: Because They Have Big Fingers.




17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A: Because It Scares The Dog.




18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
A: Sanka.




19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
A: The Location Of The Dirt Bag.




20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
A: Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.





21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A: A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.




22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
A: Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.




Now, admit it... at least one of these made you smile.





Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.




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The Two Brothers


Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors,and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother, he died before me but I have not seen him here in heaven"?

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere".

"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again".

"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell".

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad"?

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it.

The blonde doesn't...



Contribution from: Matilda


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Things I Learned in the South..........


A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

Jaw-P? means "Did yall go to the bathroom?"

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You dont PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

No, Jew? is a common response to the question, "Did you bring any beer? "

You measure distance in minutes.

You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You know what a DAWG is.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.

You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin or off to Wally World.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather. ------OH! YEAH ! ! ! !

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.




Courtesy of: Carl from prostatepointers.org email digest
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How Not to Post a Newpaper Advertisement for a Sewing Machine.

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.


MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.


TUESDAY Notice:
We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read
"One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M".


WEDNESDAY Notice:
R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows:
"For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him".


THURSDAY Notice:
I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.
I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!





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A Modest Essay


Essay: in order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?



I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.




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A Mother Buys a Present for her Son


After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son.

She brought her selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge", the clerk asked?

"Cash", she snapped.

Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am way past sane"!!

"Shall I gift -wrap the bat" the clerk asked sweetly, "or or you going back there"?




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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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