Sunday 25th August 2019 - 11:56:43 

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How to Talk About Men and Still Be Politically Correct...


He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC
MOMENTS.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.



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Three Reasons to Abstain


A guy kept propositioning his girl friend and she kept refusing. He used all of the usual arguments, plus a few new ones, but to no avail.

In a last desperate bid, he threw the whole book at her. "Listen, honey," he pleaded, "We're in love and soon we will be married. And in the eyes of God I'm sure we are already man and wife. Really now, I don't think you can give me on good reason why we should wait".

She replied that she could think of three good reasons.

1. "I'm a good decent girl".
2. "We are not married till we see the preacher".
3. "Besides, it always gives me a headache".




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Medical Definitions from the Irish

You just have to love the Irish, they put life in it's proper perspective!


Our friends in Ireland have the Lowest Stress rate because they do not take medical terminology serious, you are going to die anyway, so live life and drink till you cannot lift your own mug!
Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery     The study of paintings
Bacteria     Back door to a cafeteria
Barium     What doctors do when patients die
Benign     What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section     A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan     Searching for Kitty
Cauterize     Made eye contact with her
Colic     A sheep dog
Coma     A punctuation mark
Dilate     To live long
Enema     Not a friend
Fester     Quicker than someone else
Fibula     A small lie
Impotent     Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain     Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff     A Doctor's cane
Morbid     A higher offer
Nitrates     Cheaper than day rates
Node     I knew it
Outpatient     A person who has fainted
Pelvis     Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative     A letter carrier
Recovery Room     Place to do upholstery?
Rectum     Nearly killed him?
Secretion     Hiding something?
Seizure     Roman emperor?
Tablet     A small table
Terminal Illness     Getting sick at the airport
Tumor     One plus one more
Urine     Opposite of you're out



Contribution from: Howard


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Switching Channels

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game" he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them", his wife says.

"You already know how to play golf"!



Contributed by: Matilda



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Psychiatrists Vs. Bartender


Ever since i was a child, i've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. so i went to a shrink and told him

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


Screw the shrinks.. have a drink & talk to a bartender!





Contribution from: Patti


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Rules to Live by Version 001


  1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

  2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

  3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

  4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem"?

  5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

  6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea".

  7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

  9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

  10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

  11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

  12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

  13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

  15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

  16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

  17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

  18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

  19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

  20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

  21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

  22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

  23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

  24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

  25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!





Contribution from Charles

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How to Help a Lesbian Have a Baby


One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children. She said that the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation was that she might never be a mother.

She's a good looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out, purely altruistically, of course.

She shot me a death ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.

"No problem", I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you".




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Now You Know Why

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.

It works like this:

It is a well-known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move.

After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:" Why is it so quiet??

OMG!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except Fellow time travellers) have been able or willing to understand the sound Scientific basis of this phenomenon.

Forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.


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The Doctors Attitude to Rudd’s Proposed Health Care Legislation


The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the new Rudd healthcare proposals.


The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.


The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.


The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.


Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted.


Pathologists yelled; "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"


The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it.


Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."


The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.


The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.


In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to all the arseholes inCanberra.




Contributed by: Howard



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Job Interview for Lion Tamers in a Circus

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.


The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first"?

The girl says, "I'll go first". She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life". He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that"?

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there".



Contribution from: Matilda

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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