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The Sneezing Woman

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering, and he goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose, then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

" The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper.


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The Mongolian Case of ...

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!” the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"


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A Mother and her Young Inquisitive Son Were Flying

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."



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The Young Couple

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh bigboy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring??.

.... wait for it????????.












You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."




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The Golfer and the Leprechaun

A man had just finished a putt and reached in the hole to get his ball, but pulled out a leprechaun!

"Sure, and ye have me," cried the leprechaun, and if ye let me go, for yer tribble, I'll give ye three wishes!"

"Thank you," said the man. "I don't really need anything, so I'll pass on the wishes." He let the leprechaun go, and went off to finish his game.

The leprechaun was dumbfounded. Who had ever heard of such a thing? He sat on a pebble and thought to himself "Such a man as that deserves three wishes!" I'll give 'em to 'im in spite of 'imself! Now what!!! Why money,of course! Everyone wants money. So, for his first wish he wants to be a Millionaire! And second-let's make him a great golfer! And last-ah! Let him have a wonderful sex life.

A month went by and the leprechaun spotted the man playing on the course again. He jumped out of a hole and yelled up to the man: "How ye be doing?"

The man smiled and said: "Hello, little friend. I be doing just fine."

The leprechaun smiled back and said: "And how's yer money situation, if ye don't mind my askin'?"

"It's funny you should ask," replied the man.

"An uncle of mine passed away and left me a fortune!"

"Hah! Is that so? And how's ya golf game now?"

"It's an amazing thing," said the man. "For the past few weeks I can't do worse than two under par!"

"Sure, and that's wonderful!" With a sly look, the leprechaun asked: "And how's yer sex life?"

The man, obviously embarrassed, looked away and coughed, "Well, it's fine. Two or three times a month. "The leprechaun was aghast.

"Two or three times a month? That's horrible!" The man looked up and said, "Actually, it's not bad for a priest in a small parish."


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The Dirty Professor

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:

"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"



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Actual Employee Evaluations

The following was taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this man to breed.

4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This man has delusions of adequacy.

9. He sets low personal standards and the consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.

11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

14. A room temperature I.Q.

15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.

16. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

19. Bright as Alaska in December.

20. One-celled organisms outscore him in I.Q. tests.

21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

22. Fell out of his family tree.

23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains isn't coming.

24. This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

25. He's so dense,light bends around him.

26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.

29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

31. One neuron short of a synapse.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.



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Questions & Answers

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your motherin-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a GSpot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Wellhung.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch


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The Cricket Match

Not sure if it was Murray Goodwin or Eddo Brandes, anyway a portly Zimbabwean bowler. He was a phlegmatic chicken farmer, who once had to break off a tour because Mugabe's goons were attacking the farm next door.

Playing against Australia, Brandes/or was it Goodwin was being sledged by Glenn McGrath, who had just hit 2 6s in a row. McGrath had yelled "why are you so fat?"

"Because," the bowler replied calmly, "every time I shag your wife, she gives me a biscuit."


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Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,

'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'

Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'

Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '

Man: 'So then what happened?'

Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '

Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'

Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '

Man: 'And then what.'

Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'

Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So then what did you do?'

Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'



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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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