Previously On Johns-Jokes
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Student in the Literature Class
On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.
The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.
Then the professor ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "
The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance".
Little Johnny’s First Experience of Being Toilet Trained
Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy...
He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his privates and screaming in pain.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it and make it better".
Little Johnny’s mother shouts, "Don’t start your father’s shit with me"!
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Two Quickies: At The Pharmacy and Spiders
At The Pharmacy
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some"?
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does"?
Spiders
I was reading how a female spider will kill and then eat the male spider after mating.
I guess female spiders know that life insurance is easier to collect than child support.
and another
I was walking down the street
and a young mom said to her child "If you're good, I'll buy you some candy"
I said to her "I wish I was your son"
She laughed and said "Why, do you want some candy?"
I said "No, I want to suck your tits"
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A Doggie Tail - Another Groaner
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog being around the bar, so they were quite upset when one day the little dog died.
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the Pearly Gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.
The little dog said "I have been a good dog, so I am going into heaven where I belong!"
Saint Peter replied "You can not come into heaven without a tail. Where is your tail"?
The little dog explained what had happened back on Earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to Earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night back at the pub, but Saint Peter would not change his mind.
So the little dog went back down to Earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you"? said the bartender.
The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back.
The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to...retail spirits after hours!"
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One for the Scholars - How to Translate Academic Jargon
When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.
Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.
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Dear Abby Letters
Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don’t know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?
Thanks Jim
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything, and then said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. Now I've seen it, how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered; I think she is going through mental pause.
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A Woman Goes to the Doctor...
...she beaten black and Blue.Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep".
Two weeks later the woman comes
back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me"!
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps"?
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How to Talk About Men and Still Be Politically Correct...
He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC
MOMENTS.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
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Three Reasons to Abstain
A guy kept propositioning his girl friend and she kept refusing. He used all of the usual arguments, plus a few new ones, but to no avail.
In a last desperate bid, he threw the whole book at her. "Listen, honey," he pleaded, "We're in love and soon we will be married. And in the eyes of God I'm sure we are already man and wife. Really now, I don't think you can give me on good reason why we should wait".
She replied that she could think of three good reasons.
1. "I'm a good decent girl".
2. "We are not married till we see the preacher".
3. "Besides, it always gives me a headache".
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Medical Definitions from the Irish
You just have to love the Irish, they put life in it's proper perspective!Our friends in Ireland have the Lowest Stress rate because they do not take medical terminology serious, you are going to die anyway, so live life and drink till you cannot lift your own mug!
Irish Medical Dictionary
| Artery | The study of paintings | Bacteria | Back door to a cafeteria | Barium | What doctors do when patients die | Benign | What you be, after you be eight | Caesarean Section | A neighborhood in Rome | Catscan | Searching for Kitty | Cauterize | Made eye contact with her | Colic | A sheep dog | Coma | A punctuation mark | Dilate | To live long | Enema | Not a friend | Fester | Quicker than someone else | Fibula | A small lie | Impotent | Distinguished, well known | Labor Pain | Getting hurt at work | Medical Staff | A Doctor's cane | Morbid | A higher offer | Nitrates | Cheaper than day rates | Node | I knew it | Outpatient | A person who has fainted | Pelvis | Second cousin to Elvis | Post Operative | A letter carrier | Recovery Room | Place to do upholstery? | Rectum | Nearly killed him? | Secretion | Hiding something? | Seizure | Roman emperor? | Tablet | A small table | Terminal Illness | Getting sick at the airport | Tumor | One plus one more | Urine | Opposite of you're out |
Contribution from: Howard