Wednesday 20th March 2019 - 00:20:02 

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Things Not to Say Before, After or During Sex


Got any penicillin?

You're almost as good as my ex!

Is that blood on the headboard?

When is this supposed to feel good?

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?


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The New Shiny Black Patent Leather Shoes

A guy gets a new job so he goes and buys himself a suit and a pair of shiny black patent leather shoes. Then he decides to go dancing.

He's dancing with a girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her, and says, "I don't like girls who wear polka dot panties".

She says, "How do you know I'm wearing polka dot panties"?

He says, "I can see them in my shiny new black patent leather shoes".

He's dancing with another girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her, and says, "I like girls who wear white lace underwear".

She says, "How do you know I'm wearing white lace underwear"?

He says, "I can see them in my shiny new black patent leather shoes".

He's dancing with another girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her...looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her...and says, "What do you have on under that dress"?

She says, "Nothing".
He says, "Whew...I thought I had a crack in my shiny new black patent leather shoes".


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Student in the Literature Class


On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.

The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.

Then the professor ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "

The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance".




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Little Johnny’s First Experience of Being Toilet Trained


Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy...

He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his privates and screaming in pain.

He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it and make it better".

Little Johnny’s mother shouts, "Don’t start your father’s shit with me"!




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Two Quickies: At The Pharmacy and Spiders

At The Pharmacy


A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some"?

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does"?





Spiders


I was reading how a female spider will kill and then eat the male spider after mating.

I guess female spiders know that life insurance is easier to collect than child support.





and another


I was walking down the street

and a young mom said to her child "If you're good, I'll buy you some candy"

I said to her "I wish I was your son"

She laughed and said "Why, do you want some candy?"

I said "No, I want to suck your tits"








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A Doggie Tail - Another Groaner


In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog being around the bar, so they were quite upset when one day the little dog died.

Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the Pearly Gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.
The little dog said "I have been a good dog, so I am going into heaven where I belong!"

Saint Peter replied "You can not come into heaven without a tail. Where is your tail"?

The little dog explained what had happened back on Earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to Earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night back at the pub, but Saint Peter would not change his mind.

So the little dog went back down to Earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you"? said the bartender.

The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back.

The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to...retail spirits after hours!"



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One for the Scholars - How to Translate Academic Jargon




When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.



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Dear Abby Letters


Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don’t know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?

Thanks Jim




Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything, and then said it would never happen again.



Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. Now I've seen it, how do I get out?



Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.



Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.



Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered; I think she is going through mental pause.



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A Woman Goes to the Doctor...

...she beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.

When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep".

Two weeks later the woman comes

back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me"!

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps"?



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How to Talk About Men and Still Be Politically Correct...


He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC
MOMENTS.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.



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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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