Monday 20th May 2019 - 21:22:46 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Where is She?


The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."



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Who Will Be the Lucky One?

 
Joyce, a middle aged woman goes to see a fortune-teller.


"Two men are madly in love with me !" Joyce proclaims in ecstasy.


"Who will be the lucky one"?


The fortune-teller answers....


"Herb will marry you and Mike will be the lucky one."



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How Much is Too Much


A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before".

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared"?

"On my balls".



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The New Preacher


Two old women lived way out in the country, only going into town on Sundays for church.

One Sunday, there was a strange pastor, a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily.

One of the women, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully. As the old women were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation.

"I thought he was lovely", said one.

"He was, rather, wasn't he" said the other?

"He was very loud, wasn't he"?

"Eh" said the other, "what cloud"?

"I said he was very loud".

"Eh"?

"I said, he was very loud", shouted the other. "Bawls like a bull".

"Has he" said the first. "I never noticed, the pulpit was in the way".


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The Way to Go...

...after living a long life.

A tough old cowboy from south Texas told his grandson if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to puta pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this this every day To The age of 103 when he finally died.

He left behind 14 children, 30 grand kids, 45 great grand kids, 25 great great-grand kids and a fifteen foot crater where the crematorium used to be!

Kinda makes ya just a little weepy eyed.



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Things Not to Say Before, After or During Sex


Got any penicillin?

You're almost as good as my ex!

Is that blood on the headboard?

When is this supposed to feel good?

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?


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The New Shiny Black Patent Leather Shoes

A guy gets a new job so he goes and buys himself a suit and a pair of shiny black patent leather shoes. Then he decides to go dancing.

He's dancing with a girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her, and says, "I don't like girls who wear polka dot panties".

She says, "How do you know I'm wearing polka dot panties"?

He says, "I can see them in my shiny new black patent leather shoes".

He's dancing with another girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her, and says, "I like girls who wear white lace underwear".

She says, "How do you know I'm wearing white lace underwear"?

He says, "I can see them in my shiny new black patent leather shoes".

He's dancing with another girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her...looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her...and says, "What do you have on under that dress"?

She says, "Nothing".
He says, "Whew...I thought I had a crack in my shiny new black patent leather shoes".


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Student in the Literature Class


On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.

The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.

Then the professor ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "

The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance".




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Little Johnny’s First Experience of Being Toilet Trained


Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy...

He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his privates and screaming in pain.

He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it and make it better".

Little Johnny’s mother shouts, "Don’t start your father’s shit with me"!




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Two Quickies: At The Pharmacy and Spiders

At The Pharmacy


A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some"?

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does"?





Spiders


I was reading how a female spider will kill and then eat the male spider after mating.

I guess female spiders know that life insurance is easier to collect than child support.





and another


I was walking down the street

and a young mom said to her child "If you're good, I'll buy you some candy"

I said to her "I wish I was your son"

She laughed and said "Why, do you want some candy?"

I said "No, I want to suck your tits"








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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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