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I Can’t Play Football

After a visit to the doctor, Joe Bloggs, the city team's centre forward dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What’s up mate?" asked his friend Brian, "you look worried".

"Yes, I am," Joe replied. "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football."

"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he"?


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Emergency Appointment



A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination.

"I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?"



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For Those Who Thought They Knew Everything

 
Here is the refresher course.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead... I'll wait...

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.
(So, watch your --- )

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction... )

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN! Oooh!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

So...

Remember, knowledge is everything, so enjoy...... and go move your
toothbrush !!!



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Where is She?


The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."



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Who Will Be the Lucky One?

 
Joyce, a middle aged woman goes to see a fortune-teller.


"Two men are madly in love with me !" Joyce proclaims in ecstasy.


"Who will be the lucky one"?


The fortune-teller answers....


"Herb will marry you and Mike will be the lucky one."



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How Much is Too Much


A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before".

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared"?

"On my balls".



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The New Preacher


Two old women lived way out in the country, only going into town on Sundays for church.

One Sunday, there was a strange pastor, a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily.

One of the women, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully. As the old women were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation.

"I thought he was lovely", said one.

"He was, rather, wasn't he" said the other?

"He was very loud, wasn't he"?

"Eh" said the other, "what cloud"?

"I said he was very loud".

"Eh"?

"I said, he was very loud", shouted the other. "Bawls like a bull".

"Has he" said the first. "I never noticed, the pulpit was in the way".


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The Way to Go...

...after living a long life.

A tough old cowboy from south Texas told his grandson if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to puta pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this this every day To The age of 103 when he finally died.

He left behind 14 children, 30 grand kids, 45 great grand kids, 25 great great-grand kids and a fifteen foot crater where the crematorium used to be!

Kinda makes ya just a little weepy eyed.



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Things Not to Say Before, After or During Sex


Got any penicillin?

You're almost as good as my ex!

Is that blood on the headboard?

When is this supposed to feel good?

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?


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The New Shiny Black Patent Leather Shoes

A guy gets a new job so he goes and buys himself a suit and a pair of shiny black patent leather shoes. Then he decides to go dancing.

He's dancing with a girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her, and says, "I don't like girls who wear polka dot panties".

She says, "How do you know I'm wearing polka dot panties"?

He says, "I can see them in my shiny new black patent leather shoes".

He's dancing with another girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her, and says, "I like girls who wear white lace underwear".

She says, "How do you know I'm wearing white lace underwear"?

He says, "I can see them in my shiny new black patent leather shoes".

He's dancing with another girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her...looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her...and says, "What do you have on under that dress"?

She says, "Nothing".
He says, "Whew...I thought I had a crack in my shiny new black patent leather shoes".


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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