Monday 29th June 2020 - 15:08:17 

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The Dot - Finally Someone Has Cleared this Up

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop,fish and chip shop a taxi cab, or a motel /hotel in England .

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

Contribution from: Howard


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Mother-in-law Jokes

My mother-in-law is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder.

Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are Wanted.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's chamber of horrors and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stocktaking.'

Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel.'

Rick replies, 'You're lucky. Mine is still alive.'

Overheard in a restaurant:
She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?

Open Door Policy
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?'
I said, 'Sure you can.' And shut the door.

Newlywed Surprise
The newlywed wife, Monica, said to her husband , Nick, when he returned from work, 'I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two.'
Nick started glowing with happiness and kissing Monica purred, 'Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world.'
Monica smiled and added, 'I'm glad that you feel that way, Nick, because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.'

Final Complaint
Tomorrow it's the mother-in-law's funeral...and she's cancelled it.

Paul: I was sorry to hear that your mother-in-law died. What was the complaint?
Phil: We haven't had any yet.


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Kicked in the Crotch

In the middle of the defensive wall at a free kick, the left back took the ball right in the crotch and he passed out from the pain.

When he woke up he found himself in the local hospital. Though still in pain, he asked the doctor, "Doc, is it bad, will I be able to play again"?

"Yes, you should be able to", replied the doctor.

"Oh, great. So I can play for my club again? said the man, feeling much relieved?

"Well, just as long as they've got a women's team", said the doctor.

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Really Terrible Leg

A full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match.

Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg. It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was.

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I Can’t Play Football

After a visit to the doctor, Joe Bloggs, the city team's centre forward dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What’s up mate?" asked his friend Brian, "you look worried".

"Yes, I am," Joe replied. "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football."

"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he"?

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Emergency Appointment

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination.

"I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?"


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For Those Who Thought They Knew Everything

Here is the refresher course.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead... I'll wait...

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.
(So, watch your --- )

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction... )

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN! Oooh!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!


The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)


Remember, knowledge is everything, so enjoy...... and go move your
toothbrush !!!


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Where is She?

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."


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Who Will Be the Lucky One?

Joyce, a middle aged woman goes to see a fortune-teller.

"Two men are madly in love with me !" Joyce proclaims in ecstasy.

"Who will be the lucky one"?

The fortune-teller answers....

"Herb will marry you and Mike will be the lucky one."


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How Much is Too Much

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before".

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared"?

"On my balls".


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Old Jokes   152    153    154    155  156  157    158    159    160   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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