Monday 19th November 2018 - 15:51:46 

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The Absolute Best Speeding Excuse

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket; she told the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me.....


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A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!




































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...



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Logical Thinking



A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking.

"This is the scene", said the teacher.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank"?

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings"?


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Gossip and the Test of Three


Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife !


Contribution from: HAH



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The Big Black Book

 
In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.

After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."

"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you. You've been a policeman almost all your life - and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book."


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A Definition of Globalization...

.
...that I can understand and to which I can now relate.

Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:
Princess Diana's Death.

Question:
How come?

Answer :
An English princess

With an Egyptian boyfriend

Crashes in a French tunnel,

Riding in a German car

With a Dutch engine,

Driven by a Belgian

Who was drunk

On Scottish whisky,

Followed closely by an Italian Paparazzi,

On Japanese motorcycles,

Treated by an American doctor,

Using Brazilian Medicines.

This is Sent to you by

A Brit,

Using American Bill Gates' technology,

Developed in Israel

And you're probably reading this on your computer,

That uses Taiwanese chips,

And a Korean monitor,

Assembled by Bangladeshi workers

In a Singapore plant,

Transported by Indian truck drivers,

Hijacked by Indonesians,

Unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

And trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....



That, my friends, is Globalization!




Contribution from:Claude


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The Dot - Finally Someone Has Cleared this Up

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.


When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop,fish and chip shop a taxi cab, or a motel /hotel in England .


If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.




Contribution from: Howard




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Mother-in-law Jokes


My mother-in-law is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder.



Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.



What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are Wanted.



I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's chamber of horrors and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stocktaking.'



Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel.'



Rick replies, 'You're lucky. Mine is still alive.'



Overheard in a restaurant:
She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?




Open Door Policy
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?'
I said, 'Sure you can.' And shut the door.



Newlywed Surprise
The newlywed wife, Monica, said to her husband , Nick, when he returned from work, 'I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two.'
Nick started glowing with happiness and kissing Monica purred, 'Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world.'
Monica smiled and added, 'I'm glad that you feel that way, Nick, because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.'



Final Complaint
Tomorrow it's the mother-in-law's funeral...and she's cancelled it.



Paul: I was sorry to hear that your mother-in-law died. What was the complaint?
Phil: We haven't had any yet.



.





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Kicked in the Crotch

In the middle of the defensive wall at a free kick, the left back took the ball right in the crotch and he passed out from the pain.

When he woke up he found himself in the local hospital. Though still in pain, he asked the doctor, "Doc, is it bad, will I be able to play again"?

"Yes, you should be able to", replied the doctor.

"Oh, great. So I can play for my club again? said the man, feeling much relieved?

"Well, just as long as they've got a women's team", said the doctor.


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Really Terrible Leg


A full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match.

Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg. It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was.


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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