Tuesday 3rd November 2020 - 21:49:03 

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Yorkshire Humour

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee abaht me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom ?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, tha daft bugger, ah've browt it wi' us."

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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Aye, does tha want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

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A Yorkshireman's wife dies and he decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".

He explodes - "Sodding eck man, tha's left t' flamin' "e" out!

The stone mason apologizes and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".

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Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, does tha want Magnum or Cornetto?"

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Five Jumps a Week

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes again.?

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club; not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

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Blonde Phonecall

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker .."

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The Absolute Best Speeding Excuse

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket; she told the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

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A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

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Logical Thinking

A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking.

"This is the scene", said the teacher.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank"?

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings"?

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Gossip and the Test of Three

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife !

Contribution from: HAH

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The Big Black Book

In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.

After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."

"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you. You've been a policeman almost all your life - and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book."

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A Definition of Globalization...

...that I can understand and to which I can now relate.

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Princess Diana's Death.

How come?

Answer :
An English princess

With an Egyptian boyfriend

Crashes in a French tunnel,

Riding in a German car

With a Dutch engine,

Driven by a Belgian

Who was drunk

On Scottish whisky,

Followed closely by an Italian Paparazzi,

On Japanese motorcycles,

Treated by an American doctor,

Using Brazilian Medicines.

This is Sent to you by

A Brit,

Using American Bill Gates' technology,

Developed in Israel

And you're probably reading this on your computer,

That uses Taiwanese chips,

And a Korean monitor,

Assembled by Bangladeshi workers

In a Singapore plant,

Transported by Indian truck drivers,

Hijacked by Indonesians,

Unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

And trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!

Contribution from:Claude

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The Dot - Finally Someone Has Cleared this Up

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop,fish and chip shop a taxi cab, or a motel /hotel in England .

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

Contribution from: Howard


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Old Jokes   153    154    155    156  157  158    159    160    161   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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