Monday 27th May 2019 - 20:36:27 

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A Bride's First Night Confession

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies............................







"Well before the op', my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !"



Contributor: Howard


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Would You?



As husbands and wives will, from time to time, my wife and I were having the discussion about what would happen in the eventuality that one of us would predecease the other like...tomorrow night.

The usual "would you remarry?" questions were asked and answered. I asked my wife, "If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, and you were the last woman alive on the face of the Earth, would you help procreate the species? Assume there were 10 men that were a mixture of reasonably attractive, and totally repugnant."

My wife asked, "Are you alive or dead?"

"Where I was standing at the moment the war broke out is now a smoking hole," I informed her.

A few moments of consideration.

"Yes, reluctantly, if I were the last woman on the face of the Earth, and the survival of the species depended on it, I'd have to do what was necessary."

I was wandering into the kitchen to refill my drink when I heard this, muttered under her breath:

"...bet your a**, I'd set myself up as Queen, though."





Contributor: Robocarp-for-Adults


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Ode to Marriage: Marrying Opposites


"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common". said the new tenant's neighbour.

"Why on earth did you get married"?

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'. " was the reply.

"He wasn't pregnant and I was".


Contributor: Robocarp-for-Adults
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Little Johnny on Political Correctness

Teacher asked Little Johnny to give an example of Political Correctness.

"Conservatives and Liberal Democrats in a coalition Government, Miss," he replies.

"That's not really the answer I was looking for," says the Teacher.

"It's not the answer the country was looking for either."



Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an uscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.




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Confession from a Ups Delivery Man



This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned".

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son"?

"I lusted", the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it", the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long red hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in".

"And, what did you do, my son" asked the priest?

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted", replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven", replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son".

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be" the fellow asked?

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, jackass".




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Wisdom from Training Manuals


'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-

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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -

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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -

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'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- Infantry Sgt.-

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'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

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'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

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The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

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'Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-

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'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3..'
-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

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'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

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'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

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'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S....!'
-Authors Unknown-

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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

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Contributor:Howard





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Have You Ever Danced?


An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels, which never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are lessons here:
-Never be arrogant.

-Don't waste ammunition.

-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

-Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.


I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?


Contribution from: Howard


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A Married Man Went off for the Weekend with the Boys

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After 30 minutes of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days..."?

The husband couldn’t believe his luck, he looked up, smiled and said, “That would suit me just fine”!!

Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Contribution from: Irvine at HAH.prostatepointers.org


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Get Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed



A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters". They reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning Brother".

The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father".

The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."

The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

The bishop looks at him stunned and says, "What"?

The priest realized his mistake and said, "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want".

The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes"?




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I Love My Dentist So Much That...

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?"

"Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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