Monday 17th December 2018 - 09:41:51 

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The Good Fairy Godmother and the Yellow Toad


So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're green."

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow.

He says to the Fairy Godmother "Wait a minute; my meat & two veg are still yellow."

To this the Fairy Godmother said, "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that.

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be one of them enchanted forests and he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.

He implores her; "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "You're brown."

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.

He says, "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!

She says, "I don't do genitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

The Fairy Godmother answers; "That's easy, just follow the yellow prick toad."


Another groaner from: Howard


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Why We Forward Jokes

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, ’Excuse me, where are we’?

’This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered. ’Wow! Would you happen to have some water’ the man asked?

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up. The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

’Can my friend’, gesturing toward his dog, ’come in, too’ the traveller asked?

’I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets’.

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

’Excuse me’! he called to the man. ’Do you have any water’?

’Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in’.

’How about my friend here’ the traveller gestured to the dog?

’There should be a bowl by the pump’.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

’What do you call this place’ the traveller asked?

’This is Heaven’, he answered.

’Well, that’s confusing’, the traveller said. ’The man down the road said that was Heaven, too’.

’Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell’.

’Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that’?

’No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind’.



Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome at my water bowl anytime!


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How Father Murphy Fixed his Leaking Church Roof

Father Murphy was the priest in a poor parish and the church roof had started to leak.

The Father had a problem of not having any money to repair the leak and asked his congregation for ideas.

Patrick Flynn suggested that the church should get a horse as all horse owners had plenty of money.

Father Murphy thought this was a good idea and although he knew nothing about horses he went to a horse sale and bought a likely animal.

When he got it home Patrick Flynn saw it and but father ‘that’s not a horse it’s a donkey’.

This must be a sign from the lord thought the priest. Did not the blessed virgin herself not ride into Bethlehem on a donkey?

He took the donkey to a horse trainer who didn’t want anything to do with a donkey but as he was a good Catholic he couldn’t refuse the priest so agreed to train the donkey to race.

The donkey turned out to be really fast and could beat a lot of the horses so when a big horse racing week arrived Father Murphy entered the donkey in a race on the first day.

The race committee were all Catholics and couldn’t refuse a priest so the donkey was allowed to run.

On the first day of the races the donkey came in second in its race and the church got a good pay out.

The editor of the local paper who was a protestant saw this and came out with the headline:
“FATHER MURPHY’S ASS SHOWS”

The donkey was entered in another race the next day and won, that day the headline in the paper was:
“FATHER MURPHYS ASS OUT IN FRONT”

The Bishop heard about this and called Father Murphy to see what was going on and was told how the donkey was getting a lot of money to have the church roof repaired and how it only needed to win again and there would be enough money to do the job.
The Bishop agreed to let the donkey run again as long as there was no more bad publicity.

The next day the donkey came in third in its race prompting the headline:
“FATHER MURPHYS ASS BACK IN PLACE”

The Bishop called again and said ‘enough Murphy no more racing’.
But said father Murphy we almost have enough to fix the roof now one more race and we will have enough.

Ok said the Bishop I’ll give you the rest of what you need as long as the donkey doesn’t race again so Father Murphy withdrew it from the race the next day.

The editor who was following things closely heard of this and came out with the headline:
“BISHOP PAYS FATHER MURPHY TO SCRATCH HIS ASS”

The Bishop called again and yelled “Enough Murphy get rid of that animal give it away or something”

As it happened Sister Mary at the convent loved animals and they had a big field at the back of the convent so Father Murphy gave the donkey to Sister Mary.

The editor who was selling more papers than ever before wasn’t going to let a good story go so came out with the headline:
“SISTER MARY HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN”

The Bishop called in a real temper and told Father Murphy to get the animal right out of the district, sell it or something.

So Sister Mary sold the donkey to an out of town horse dealer for 10 pounds. This prompted the headline:
“SISTER MARY SELLS ASS FOR TEN POUNDS”

The Bishop died of a heart attack that night.




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A Bride's First Night Confession

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies............................







"Well before the op', my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !"



Contributor: Howard


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Would You?



As husbands and wives will, from time to time, my wife and I were having the discussion about what would happen in the eventuality that one of us would predecease the other like...tomorrow night.

The usual "would you remarry?" questions were asked and answered. I asked my wife, "If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, and you were the last woman alive on the face of the Earth, would you help procreate the species? Assume there were 10 men that were a mixture of reasonably attractive, and totally repugnant."

My wife asked, "Are you alive or dead?"

"Where I was standing at the moment the war broke out is now a smoking hole," I informed her.

A few moments of consideration.

"Yes, reluctantly, if I were the last woman on the face of the Earth, and the survival of the species depended on it, I'd have to do what was necessary."

I was wandering into the kitchen to refill my drink when I heard this, muttered under her breath:

"...bet your a**, I'd set myself up as Queen, though."





Contributor: Robocarp-for-Adults


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Ode to Marriage: Marrying Opposites


"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common". said the new tenant's neighbour.

"Why on earth did you get married"?

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'. " was the reply.

"He wasn't pregnant and I was".


Contributor: Robocarp-for-Adults
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Little Johnny on Political Correctness

Teacher asked Little Johnny to give an example of Political Correctness.

"Conservatives and Liberal Democrats in a coalition Government, Miss," he replies.

"That's not really the answer I was looking for," says the Teacher.

"It's not the answer the country was looking for either."



Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an uscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.




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Confession from a Ups Delivery Man



This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned".

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son"?

"I lusted", the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it", the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long red hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in".

"And, what did you do, my son" asked the priest?

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted", replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven", replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son".

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be" the fellow asked?

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, jackass".




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Wisdom from Training Manuals


'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-

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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -

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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -

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'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- Infantry Sgt.-

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'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

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'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

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The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

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'Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-

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'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3..'
-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

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'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

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'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

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'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S....!'
-Authors Unknown-

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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

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Contributor:Howard





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Have You Ever Danced?


An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels, which never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are lessons here:
-Never be arrogant.

-Don't waste ammunition.

-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

-Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.


I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?


Contribution from: Howard


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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