Sunday 18th August 2019 - 06:53:42 

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Maori (new Zealand) Legends


Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in July when the lake is frozen, you were born in December,


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The Incorrect Email Address.


A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: August 16th, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!


Contributor: Sunny






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The Failed Young Law Student and his Professor


A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."




Contributor: Sunny



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A Cardiologist's Funeral


A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

.......and the proctologist fainted.





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Interesting Appraisal Review Letter by Hr



Dear Manager (HR),

Vimal, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Vimal works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vimal never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Vimal takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Vimal is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vimal can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vimal be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

sent away as soon as possible.

Signed – Project Leader


NB:

That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13) for my true assessment of him.


Contributor: Joolz


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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking


Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"





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A Kiwi Who Got his Priorities Right


The Rugby World Cup is held every four years (it's on next year in New Zealand) and New Zealand have been World Champions more times than any other country. Tickets to the Tests, as the games are called, are scarce as hens' teeth.

Kiwi Ken, living in Australia managed to get tickets for the final Test series, but he wasn't feeling too good - bladder problems mainly - so he went along to his doctor. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and told him that he had long existing and advanced prostate cancer and the only cure was testicular removal. "No way, doc!" said Ken, "I'm getting a second opinion!"

The second Aussie doctor gave him the same diagnosis and also advised him that removing his testicles was the only cure. Not surprisingly, he refused the treatment again, but was devastated and wondered if he'd get to the Tests or if he should make out his will and leave his tickets to his brother.

Then someone told him about an expatriate New Zealand doctor and he decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said, " Bro, you have definitely got prostate cancer."

"What's the cure then, doc?" asked Ken hoping for a different answer this time.

"Well," said the Kiwi doctor, "For starters, we're going to have to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thank god for that!" said Ken, "Those Aussie bastards wanted to take my Test Tickets off me!"




More like this from: http://www.yananow.net/troopc.htm




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The Good Fairy Godmother and the Yellow Toad


So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're green."

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow.

He says to the Fairy Godmother "Wait a minute; my meat & two veg are still yellow."

To this the Fairy Godmother said, "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that.

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be one of them enchanted forests and he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.

He implores her; "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "You're brown."

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.

He says, "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!

She says, "I don't do genitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

The Fairy Godmother answers; "That's easy, just follow the yellow prick toad."


Another groaner from: Howard


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Why We Forward Jokes

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, ’Excuse me, where are we’?

’This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered. ’Wow! Would you happen to have some water’ the man asked?

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up. The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

’Can my friend’, gesturing toward his dog, ’come in, too’ the traveller asked?

’I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets’.

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

’Excuse me’! he called to the man. ’Do you have any water’?

’Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in’.

’How about my friend here’ the traveller gestured to the dog?

’There should be a bowl by the pump’.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

’What do you call this place’ the traveller asked?

’This is Heaven’, he answered.

’Well, that’s confusing’, the traveller said. ’The man down the road said that was Heaven, too’.

’Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell’.

’Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that’?

’No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind’.



Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome at my water bowl anytime!


.


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How Father Murphy Fixed his Leaking Church Roof

Father Murphy was the priest in a poor parish and the church roof had started to leak.

The Father had a problem of not having any money to repair the leak and asked his congregation for ideas.

Patrick Flynn suggested that the church should get a horse as all horse owners had plenty of money.

Father Murphy thought this was a good idea and although he knew nothing about horses he went to a horse sale and bought a likely animal.

When he got it home Patrick Flynn saw it and but father ‘that’s not a horse it’s a donkey’.

This must be a sign from the lord thought the priest. Did not the blessed virgin herself not ride into Bethlehem on a donkey?

He took the donkey to a horse trainer who didn’t want anything to do with a donkey but as he was a good Catholic he couldn’t refuse the priest so agreed to train the donkey to race.

The donkey turned out to be really fast and could beat a lot of the horses so when a big horse racing week arrived Father Murphy entered the donkey in a race on the first day.

The race committee were all Catholics and couldn’t refuse a priest so the donkey was allowed to run.

On the first day of the races the donkey came in second in its race and the church got a good pay out.

The editor of the local paper who was a protestant saw this and came out with the headline:
“FATHER MURPHY’S ASS SHOWS”

The donkey was entered in another race the next day and won, that day the headline in the paper was:
“FATHER MURPHYS ASS OUT IN FRONT”

The Bishop heard about this and called Father Murphy to see what was going on and was told how the donkey was getting a lot of money to have the church roof repaired and how it only needed to win again and there would be enough money to do the job.
The Bishop agreed to let the donkey run again as long as there was no more bad publicity.

The next day the donkey came in third in its race prompting the headline:
“FATHER MURPHYS ASS BACK IN PLACE”

The Bishop called again and said ‘enough Murphy no more racing’.
But said father Murphy we almost have enough to fix the roof now one more race and we will have enough.

Ok said the Bishop I’ll give you the rest of what you need as long as the donkey doesn’t race again so Father Murphy withdrew it from the race the next day.

The editor who was following things closely heard of this and came out with the headline:
“BISHOP PAYS FATHER MURPHY TO SCRATCH HIS ASS”

The Bishop called again and yelled “Enough Murphy get rid of that animal give it away or something”

As it happened Sister Mary at the convent loved animals and they had a big field at the back of the convent so Father Murphy gave the donkey to Sister Mary.

The editor who was selling more papers than ever before wasn’t going to let a good story go so came out with the headline:
“SISTER MARY HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN”

The Bishop called in a real temper and told Father Murphy to get the animal right out of the district, sell it or something.

So Sister Mary sold the donkey to an out of town horse dealer for 10 pounds. This prompted the headline:
“SISTER MARY SELLS ASS FOR TEN POUNDS”

The Bishop died of a heart attack that night.




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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