Friday 23rd August 2019 - 09:02:24 

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An Elderly Spinster a Dog in Heat and the Vet

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch".

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work"?

"Well" The vet replied "IT JUST WORKED FOR ME".


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When is It Time to Give Up Golf?

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it', he tells his wife, 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad ... Once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went'.

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try'.

'That's no good', sighs Arthur.. 'Your brother is ninety five. He can't help'.

'He may be ninety five', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect'.

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball'?

'Of course I did'! says the brother-in- law. 'I have perfect eyesight'.

'Where did it go' asks Arthur?

'I can't remember'.








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Maori (new Zealand) Legends


Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in July when the lake is frozen, you were born in December,


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The Incorrect Email Address.


A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: August 16th, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!


Contributor: Sunny






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The Failed Young Law Student and his Professor


A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."




Contributor: Sunny



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A Cardiologist's Funeral


A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

.......and the proctologist fainted.





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Interesting Appraisal Review Letter by Hr



Dear Manager (HR),

Vimal, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Vimal works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vimal never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Vimal takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Vimal is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vimal can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vimal be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

sent away as soon as possible.

Signed – Project Leader


NB:

That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13) for my true assessment of him.


Contributor: Joolz


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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking


Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"





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A Kiwi Who Got his Priorities Right


The Rugby World Cup is held every four years (it's on next year in New Zealand) and New Zealand have been World Champions more times than any other country. Tickets to the Tests, as the games are called, are scarce as hens' teeth.

Kiwi Ken, living in Australia managed to get tickets for the final Test series, but he wasn't feeling too good - bladder problems mainly - so he went along to his doctor. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and told him that he had long existing and advanced prostate cancer and the only cure was testicular removal. "No way, doc!" said Ken, "I'm getting a second opinion!"

The second Aussie doctor gave him the same diagnosis and also advised him that removing his testicles was the only cure. Not surprisingly, he refused the treatment again, but was devastated and wondered if he'd get to the Tests or if he should make out his will and leave his tickets to his brother.

Then someone told him about an expatriate New Zealand doctor and he decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said, " Bro, you have definitely got prostate cancer."

"What's the cure then, doc?" asked Ken hoping for a different answer this time.

"Well," said the Kiwi doctor, "For starters, we're going to have to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thank god for that!" said Ken, "Those Aussie bastards wanted to take my Test Tickets off me!"




More like this from: http://www.yananow.net/troopc.htm




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The Good Fairy Godmother and the Yellow Toad


So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're green."

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow.

He says to the Fairy Godmother "Wait a minute; my meat & two veg are still yellow."

To this the Fairy Godmother said, "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that.

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be one of them enchanted forests and he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.

He implores her; "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "You're brown."

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.

He says, "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!

She says, "I don't do genitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

The Fairy Godmother answers; "That's easy, just follow the yellow prick toad."


Another groaner from: Howard


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AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

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